I use to have a very close friend, we grew up together, we got to that close sisterly point and I had so much respect and love for our friendship. I travelled out for studies but we spoke a lot on phone. Each time I travel back home she was one of my favourite people to come over to my house. We always had a good time but here's where everything began to go wrong.
She met someone and got into a relationship, I didn't know about it which isn't an issue because at that stage she was trying to know the person more. Time passed I noticed that she wasn't her best anymore. She felt a bit off but I knew she needed someone to talk to. I never asked any questions, I just waited until she felt comfortable to speak about what was bothering her. She finally opened up and it was about the relationship. The person she is dating isn't stable with her, he is so controlling.
According to her: he does not call me if I do not call him. He complains when I call him after work hour to say hi and chat with him, he says he is stressed and needs to rest. He never comes to visit, I am always the only one visiting him. He said he can never go and visit any girl. He also doesn't like when I make my hair, he gets angry and says I should make only cornrows or stick to my natural hair. He also has a baby.
Melody speaking: You do not need such a person that does not have your time and value the time you try to share with him. There is obviously not a need for you in his life. You are in a relationship with yourself. If he doesn't see a reason why both of you should speak daily then you are dating yourself and being used. It is a relationship and daily communication is needed to keep things in check, growth, and heart connections. You need to understand what is good for you, people do not give you rules that are degrading to follow. If he doesn't see the need to visit you then you need to stop visiting him. Understand your value and where he placed you and respect yourself.
Her words: I understand, but I just always feel like calling him.
Melody speaking: You need to tell yourself the bitter truth and work on it.
Her words: Ok
The story continues.
During the beginning of the Covid 19 outbreak, I advised her to leave her place of assignment and go back to her family before the total lockdown begins so she will not end up staying alone for a long time. She did that and we continued to speak on daily basis. She informed me that she has decided not to call him since he did not call to check up on her. This was already weeks of him not calling her. Her brother showed me text messages between his sister and her boyfriend expressing these words:
Her boyfriend's text message:
"I do not like your mother, I don't just like that woman.
And she never said anything to defend her mum and rebuke him from such words. I was not pleased by that at all because her mum has treated me kindly and I felt terrible about her letting him speak such words about such a hard-working and caring mum of hers.
One day after some weeks, during the lockdown he called her and she started communicating with him again without us knowing, (she actually doesn't need anyone's permission tho). He convinced her that he was sorry as usual saying he has changed, my friend accepted the apology, and instead of waiting to see the change he claimed to have, she packed her box that same week and travelled to see him during the peak of the Covid 19 period without her mum knowing, she left the house and went to visit him for days without informing her family. They got back from church on a Sunday and she was nowhere to be found. Knowing how close she is to me, the brother called me, I called her but she didn't answer or even reply to my messages for about two days tho she was online. Her brother called me asking me if I have spoken to her, that the mum is going crazy because she isn't picking the mum's calls and her boyfriend is also not picking his calls. They wanted to be sure she is fine.
Note: In the part of Nigeria where her boyfriend stays, you need a boat to cross over and this was during the lockdown.
After some days my friend replied to me and said she was at her boyfriend's place, and that they are back together. I wished her well tho I told her she made wrong moves by going to see him but life is all about doing what makes you happy and so good luck to you.
She got back from his place and everything went back to nothing. He did not call her to check if she arrived home safely. She travelled back to her place of assignment he still did not call her. It took almost two months and he did not call her. She told me that she has made up her mind to move on again and I said well it's always your choice to make. This guy is obviously not interested in you and he is not hiding it. The decision is yours, it is more than a month and a man you went to visit in the midst of the pandemic couldn't call you after a long journey to find out if you made it home or if you even got to your place of assignment safely, well it's up to you to decide. She said I am done this time.
I believed her at this point. She later told me that she dreamt he had another baby, and that she has been suspecting it. She also mentioned that she went to church and was praying and the pastor walked up to her and told her that the person you are praying for isn't what God wants for her. To me, she already got the final message. My heart was calm.
Things went on smoothly, we chatted as usual for almost two months and suddenly I stopped hearing from her regularly again, I was wondering what was going on, we pray together and see movies together online sometimes. I got a bit worried but felt it was her new job which was taking a bit of her time. Not until I found out that she was going for her marriage introduction with this guy.
Here's what happened: He called her and told her he was ready to get married to her, she accepted immediately and informed her people that she was coming for her marriage introduction that same week he called her after not calling her for almost 2 months. I did not know she was already planning her marriage introduction until two days before the introduction. I actually called several times to find out if all was ok with her but she said yes and that she had something to discuss with me which she later opened up that she was going to do a marriage introduction with her boyfriend, the date has been fixed and that I should allow her to make this mistake. I reminded her about what she told me the pastor said and she replied to me saying" please allow me to disobey God and please I need your support. I was actually surprised by her words. I told her I will not be a part of this but I wish her well in her marriage introduction. I also told her that I can not watch her make a wrong life decision that at this point I am tired of the drama and I do not think we should remain friends anymore because she is not totally truthful and involving me in her personal life affects my mental health. She explained herself but after that phone call, I washed my hands wash her life. She went for her marriage introductions and that was the last time I heard from her.
For those reading who do not understand what marriage introduction is, it means taking your husband to be, to your uncles, kinsmen, elders, family, and friends to introduce him to them. After this celebration for your forthcoming marriage, the payment of the bride price will be made and, you fix a date for the wedding.
After the marriage Introduction
Months passed and I did not communicate with her. Her brother who is also my close friend and still is wrote to me saying I am super happy that this is ending in a good way. I asked him, what do you mean? he said that stupid man said he doesn't want to marry my sister anymore, in short, he asked them to give him back the money he spent on the marriage introduction but the elder told him that if he doesn't want to go ahead with the wedding ceremony it is fine but they can not refund his money to him.
Her brother also mentioned that he was asking her to bring back everything he gave to her, tho this is not the first time he is doing this. Anytime there is an issue he starts asking her to return every item he has given her. He is making trouble with her family telling them he does not want to marry her. This is a girl who should be getting married in December but I saw her coming. This is so much stress on her, her family, and a disgrace, being that he went to ask for a refund and people are waiting for the wedding date. I believe she will be fine.
My opinion: My opinion might be wrong or right but let me share it with you all. The boyfriend in question isn't in love with her, she is the one pushing him towards getting married to her. He obviously made his point clear by not communicating with her. He made it obvious that he wasn't interested. The power he gained over her emotions with time is toxic. He just wants to keep her in a blank space with her hoping that one day they will get married, while he goes on with his life. Unfortunately, after the introduction, he couldn't keep up with pushing the date forward every time and issues started bursting out and he said he isn't interested in the marriage anymore. I guess we are back to the beginning again at this point. I haven't spoken to my ex-friend for a long time, I only communicate with her brother. She has tried to reach me on Facebook because I blocked her on WhatsApp messenger but I did not reply.
My best friend's boyfriend doesn't visit or call her. She does both the calling and visiting. She decided not to call him for a day just to see if he will call her but he didn't call her until about 45 days later and that same week he called she said they are getting married. She told me, I said no and we stopped talking. After the big wedding announcement, he called it off. Should I call her?
What are your thoughts?