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How not to get your time wasted again in a relationship

Relationships nowadays are like cloths people change everyday and it has become a norm in recent times. There is the freedom to love and move on if things are not working out but how do you ensure that in your next relationship you do not get your time wasted again.

I have put together tips that can help you understand a person before starting a relationship with him/her.

1. Understand yourself. When you know yourself, you understand what motivates you to resist bad habits and develop good ones. You'll have the insight to know which values and goals activate your willpower, tolerance, and understanding of others. Your awareness of your own foibles and struggles can help you empathize with others. (Ref: psychologytoday).

2. Never accept or give an excuse for things you didn't accept in your previous relationship because at the end of the day those things will end up ending the relationship in the long run.

3. Be you. Being another person is more taxing. Be you and let that person see you for you.

4. Be open to every conversation. This is one of the best ways of knowing people's beliefs, way of life, and thinking. This will help you see if there is a need to even take a step further to end it right there. Be patient during the conservation, do not force your opinion on anyone, be calm and accept anything the person says because that is what he/she beliefs and so it is better to allow them to air their views and beliefs to the fullest.



5. Bring up false relationship scenarios to hear what they have to say about life situations.

6. Ask about family background.

7. Ask about religious background and beliefs. As you know we all have where we want to fit in religiously so asking about it is very important.

8. Ask briefly about the previous relationships. The way you do it matters, be polite, and hit the question were needed. This will give you an insight into the previous love life of that person. Some may lie but it is part of the process.

9. Do not be quick to fall in love again. Remember you don't want what happened in your previous relationship happening again.  

10. Pray about it and be open-minded to not investing so much time in the beginning. Do not force anything.

What are your views and tips to prevent time-wasting in a relationship again? 

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37 comments

  1. There is no guarantee that any relationship will work, no matter how careful you are.

    The best option is to take things slowly when you first meet someone you fancy, don’t rush into intimacy too soon and get to know each other as friends. It’s very important to be compatible. I know romance novels and movies love to have opposites attract, but the basic principals of life need to be in agreement.

    I recently answered a question about Red Flags - it is important to take note of aspects of your partner’s personality that make you uncomfortable. Does he get angry with you over “nothing”? If an argument breaks out, does he always blame you? Is he quietly and slowly disapproving of your friends and some family members? Does he drink too much? Just little things sometimes can show that there could be a problem down the track.

    Do you and your loved one envisage the same lifestyle?

    Do you have compatible religious beliefs? You don’t need to belong to the same religious group, but if one of you is of one persuasion and the other - e.g.. is an atheist - can you both accommodate that?

    Children - do you agree on how you want to raise your children and how many you might have? Are you in agreement on education/religious instruction et al?

    Pets. If one of you is a passionate dog lover and the other doesn’t like dogs - how are you going to resolve this? If you love animals and your partner does not, then how are you going to cope for the rest of your life without an animal in the family? This IS an important thing.

    So - IMO, the only thing you can do to offset time-wasting is to take things slowly at the beginning and get to know the person you fancy as best you can before committing to a deeper relationship. I know you can’t always tell - some narcissists, e.g. - are very good at being charming and appear to be perfect right from the start. Remember, there is no such thing as the perfect person!!!

    Best of luck, pet, and hold you head up high.

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    Replies
    1. You are right, taking things slowly is the best approach. Besides, it's better to see it as a learning process.

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  2. I think your question is along the lines of preventing a failed relationship. Best I can do is present you our “us” philosophy that’s worked very well for us for over 1/3 century. Which I’ve posted many times. Relationship = equal partners = no “I”, no “you”, simply “us”. “Us” being 100% of the time. When both screw up, does it really matter who did most damage? Use all that effort to fix the problem, not the blame. It’s an “us” problem that “us” will conquer. Besides, how can “us” fight “us”?

    Once the partners commit to being “us”, there’s nothing “us” cannot overcome. Incompatible? Nothing in common? Compromise/negotiate/mutual agreement, subject to change, can find a number of solutions. Incompatible? Hardly, if in a relationship, so pieces that are incompatible can be dealt with. Noisy hobbies that neither like the other’s? Different ends of the house at the same time. Nothing in common? We had little in common upon “I do”. Now we have much in common. Just takes some imagination. Remember, it’s an “us” problem that “us” will solve.

    When “us” solve a problem together, there’s a real feeling of triumph, lots of warm and fuzzies. Drawing “us” closer. Nice!

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  3. Why dont you get creative…focus on your growth

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  4. I think there are some wonderful suggestions here. Especially about being your authentic self. So often, people try to present themselves as some sort of ideal but eventually the facade will fade away. So it is always better to just be yourself from the start!
    the creation of beauty is art.

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  5. I believe that no time in any relationship is wasted if it’s positive and your love is grown what more could you ask for however if you feel it is negative and that you love will not progress you would be able to understand what is needed to develop a better relationship with a newer person

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  6. The word to remember is Reciprocation. A relationship where one party does everything to please the other but getting little or nothing in return is a waste of time. Relationships have to prosper. If it remains stagnant, then it's not going anywhere. Communication is another important factor. If there is little to talk about between the two of you, then it's headed for failure. If you're not going on dates but instead staring at the TV in the weekend, you're wasting your time. And the most important item of all…sex. If it's declining or completely missing in your relationship, then it's terminal. These are just a few examples.

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  7. This is not an easy question to answer as you have not told us what you did wrong in your last relationships.

    Did you move to fast? Did you move too slow? Did you establish that you were needy to did you establish that you did not need anyone in your life ever (again)?

    There is also rarely an easy one or two point advice platitude we can give you that works in every situation. Like yourself, I have devoted time to relationships I thought would be magical, at first, only to have them degenerate to delivery pizza and DVDs on Saturday nights. (Know what I mean?) I did discover (with a little bit of age and experience) that what I WISHED and what was REALITY were often very different. That cute guy at the end of the bar is not the rich prince I hoped he would be who would sweep me away from all of this. I needed to take time and check out the men I dated for anything serious.

    So, there you have it. Simple answers to complex questions of relationships with other people. I wish you better luck next time.

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  8. Be certain of what you want or expect. Communicate those wants and expectations and do not expect the other person to be a mind reader. Also, learn what the other person values and do your best to give them what they want. And lastly, is what you are about to say or do loving and kind? If it is not, reconsider. And if the other person says something to you that is unloving or unkind, politely call them out on it and let them know you can disagree and still be loving and kind.

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  9. All relationships are a gamble and they all involve time, and when you see is not going the right direction, get out!

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  10. Hi Melody,

    Thanks for asking me.

    The thing that jumped out at me was the notion of time being wasted in a relationship. I’d encourage you to reframe how you view the notion of wasted time. I have been in relationships that didn’t lead to long-term love but I learned something from every single one. In some the lessons were related to “wow, why did I stay with someone who was making me nuts?” Or , honestly, “why is the sex not so great and why didn’t I speak up about it?” So, from my context, time is never wasted if I continue to be curious about what the heck was I thinking and why did I choose that person. And with every relationship that didn’t work out, I got closer to knowing who and what would be great.

    I’m just spit-balling here, but I guess your question revolves around how do you make better choices and that you aren’t interested in anything but a great LTR. And Diana’s response does a great job of helping you to narrow the field.

    But relationships are always a bit of a crap shoot and life can throw a wrench into the works that can take down even a good relationship. Just think about Covid-who could have known and it is bringing many relationships down.

    So, your question of how do you prevent time being wasted in another relationship ultimately is answered by ‘just don’t choose to be in a relationship again’. That seems to be the only sure way to prevent wasting time in one. And you will see that lots of people, women in particular, are choosing to live life as singles, sometimes also as celibate. Some people really thrive when left to design their own lives, without desiring to be in an LTR for various reasons.

    So, Melody my dear, it is up to you to decide whether you believe the challenges of relationships are worth your effort and time. There’s no wrong or right answer, only what’s right for you. And maybe you decide to take a break, for a few months or a few years, to focus on creating a good life just for you. You can always revisit the issue of desiring an LTR.

    No matter what, I wish you happiness and peace.

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  11. First understand not every relationship is going to end in marriage.

    Then if you want to get married and have kids bring it up within the first 4 months to see if you are on the same page. Some people bring it up on date 1, but I think that is too much pressure. Don’t stay 5 years with someone who never wants to marry if marriage is important to you. If one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t, move on.

    Decide what your deal breakers are and if they arise, be prepared to go.

    Assess the relationship over time, is it progressing, are you happy, are you miserable. If you are happy stay, if you are not, go. Do not waste your own time.

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  12. Know yourself and get to know the other person. It may take a long time to answer the following questions? What is their age? How does it relate to your age? Are they “marriage material”? What is their current marital status: single, married, separated, divorced? Are they currently in a relationship? What do others think of them? What is their reputation? What is their attitude towards marriage and family? How did they grow up? What was/is their parents’ marriage like? What is their character? Are they honest, loyal, trustworthy? Do they have any “baggage”? If so, can you live with it? What prejudices do they have? How would this affect you? What is their view of life? What are their favorite pastimes, hobbies, activities? How are their finances? How is their health? After about 6 months, are they serious? After a year, are they committed to their relationship with you?

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  13. Be up front with whoever you are starting a relationship with, and let them know with the do’s and don’ts are to win your heart! If they’re not willing to follow the path to win your heart, they’ll let you know, one way or another!!

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  14. That is the hardest thing for anyone to go through. But you’re not alone.. My Ex told me that he couldn’t be with me and waste anymore time because we were in a relationship for 14 years. It took me sometime with Professional help to realize how, what and why. I came to discovered that we stopped growing with each other. That we did not have the most important things that is needed in a relationship. I have suggested or stated numerous times to strangers what is needed.

    The answer to your question is Self Care and Self Love. Because in a relationship “Wasted” is stating you or them are depressed and have no form of Belonging. Why is that? The loss of purpose, the loss of one self? If you loved your self enough you wouldn’t be asking this question. Because you would never find yourself in a situation to be in a bad relationship with another person. Because you would see it right of the bat. See the red flags and end it or correct it. So before you go into another relationship. You need to ask yourself one thing… How much do I love myself that I keep finding ppl that just seems to be toxic for me that I am wasting time?

    If you love yourself you would never find yourself to ask that question… Do the work in finding yourself and loving yourself so that you will never meet toxic ppl. Because what you put out there is exactly what you attract. So look within and fix what is wrong before you go out and get into those relationships. I wish you the best because the hardest thing to do is work on yourself. The Ego is the most powerful thing and it’s the hardest to let go or swallow. But it’s freeing once you let go of the Ego and do the hardest work you will ever do. The Dark night of the Soul is no joke..

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  15. Don’t jump into a relationship too early. Take it slowly and get to know the other person well before making it a “relationship.”

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  16. That’s easy. Just don’t get in a relationship at all.

    Time saved.

    you’re welcome.

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  17. first you can’t. Even best relations break. Because love is not a permanent feeling. It changes all the time.

    so all you can do is be a really great person, but rely emotionally on yourself, don’t have expectations and maybe something will work out.

    also making better choices helps.

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  18. Great question. You HAVE to know what YOU want. It's really that simple. People sometimes say oh relationships are so difficult. No. They're real simple as long as you know what you want. Set boundaries for example how the other person treats you. Do they ignore your messages? Red flag. Do they not introduce you to their friends/family after 6 months. Another Red Flag and remember that people will ALWAYS prioritise their time to what they choose. So if you're left hanging or on read a lot then you are not a priority in your bf/gf eyes sadly. Time to move on

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  19. No quarantee that next relationships will be better than previous ones.Important things that you learned a lot from previous ones and you changed. Just enjoy the moment and don t think about any fail too earl.y

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  20. This notion that time is being wasted in a relationship Please Guard against that notion. We can all learn from each other. I have been lucky to date some lovely Women. Learned something new from each of them. Took info in. Been married to same woman 23,years now.

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  21. lTake note from men. Their time is rarely wasted because they only stick around when, if & as long as their needs are being met. Women stick around as long as they're being sold hope that their needs will eventually be met. This is why women leave bitter but men leave feeling like conquers, because the men get what they want.. It's only a waste of time for the women. Don't wait for your needs to be met, don't wait for a man to change, don't meet the needs of any man who isn't meeting yours AT THE SAME TIME. Ghost any man who isn't giving you what you want cuz he'd surely ghost you if it were reversed. Judge men by their actions, stop accepting words, promises & excuses. Don't try to earn love or prove yourself to a man by meeting his needs & requiring no immediate reciprocity. Matter of fact, get what you want first.

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  22. My advice is keep it casual. In the beginning of a relationship make it clear “Just Dating None Exclusively” this way you can keep dating other people. Otherwise, if it is a monogamy relationship, if this person is wrong for you, you wasted your time, while your Mr (or Ms) right slip by your finger.

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  23. Don’t get in a relationship

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  24. Great tips, Melody, and the comments have such wonderful feedback as well. I think focusing on authenticity and effective communication is absolutely the best way to enter any relationship, whether it is romantic and intimate or purely a Platonic friendship. Begin respectful and kind and genuine is so important for any successful relationship. Thanks for sharing and linking with me.

    Shelbee
    www.shelbeeontheedge.com

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  25. Be decisive by analyzing your time spent. If both of you have spent time on this bond, the efforts made should correspond to what they say they want and need. This is a good start. Moreover, if you can make complex plans together and actually manifest a future through incremental efforts, you’re in a relationship with positive trajectory.

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  26. To be honest I would say get to know someone first and know their intentions. Also analyze what you want. If you have not healed from your previous relationship I would tell you to do that first before you bring your emotional baggage onto someone else into another relationship. I would say within the first six months to a year if you don’t really see what you want out of the relationship, it’s time to bounce. Also doing on and off, point blank: you’re wasting your time if you’re in an on and off relationship.

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  27. Easy. Make sure you make them invest in you, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. You date them. You get to know them. You dont reveal all your cards straight away. You listen. You learn. You become patient. You do not make plans and chase and become the aggressor. You are feminine, relaxed you stop listening to that biological clock (depending on whether yoire a female writing this!)

    Let him come to you. Create boundaries and stick to them. Don’t rush into jumping into the sack with him (or her!) Get to know him. Remain a mystery for as long as you can get away with.

    Find out what sort of guy he is! Find out what he wants in life and by this I dont mean asking “do you want children" on your first date. That's scary! Thats even scary to me and I have children..I'm here to have a drink and have fun.. and you're frightening me. Stop it.

    Just a few things there. Inbox me for more!

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  28. Melody, no one can tell the future. We will never know not unless we really try it and give our 100% effort.

    How many people you know failed but ended up happy or successfully? How many times they failed? WE ONLY NEED TO BE RIGHT ONCE!

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  29. First, I want to say that there is no fool proof way to keep from wasting your time in a relationship for two reasons. One, you can't control the other person and two, you can't predict the future. However, there are steps you can take to minimize the risk and loss. The first thing you want to do is create a list of things you desire in a mate. No matter how big or small, write it all down and be very detailed. Let me be clear, make sure you are writing the list out of strong desires and need and not thinking out of lack or from things you don't want. Once you've written down everything you want, go back to the list and place a “M” next to “Must Have” and “F” next those things you are Flexible with having. If you end up with more than 10 must haves pull out your top 10. Here are a few questions to ask yourself when narrowing them down. Ask yourself, 1. Is this something I'm going to care about in 10 years? 2. Is this something I need or I want? 3. Is this character derived or this taught? 4. Can I accommodate the things I expect from my partner. Now, this one is key because it is literally counting the cost of the desires you have. Just to give you an example. You want a guy that's outgoing but you're a homebody. Or you want him tall, dark and cut up in his body but you don't even go to the gym. Or even, you want a man that leads but you tend to be a little controlling. Now in order to produce this list you have to be very familiar with your strengths and weaknesses. You must be willing to be brutally honest with yourself. Once you have your list to your top 10, ANY guy that doesn't mean them at least 8 of the 10, walk. Don't even give him the time past what it takes to ask him the questions to see if he matches your list. And don't be afraid to take a person into interview mode, a person that is really interested, will appreciate the attempt at getting to know them. Definitely do not steer from the list because you can get caught up and begin to settle. Will it take a little longer? Possibly! But it will be worth the wait to get what you really desire. I hope this helps.

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  30. Learn from previous relationships, but mostly what is important is to know thyself.

    When I say know thyself, this is something that many people take lightly, however we sometimes forget who we truly are or a false misconception of who we are. Dig deep, identify your qualities and strengths, but also aspects in your life that you want to improve. The goal is not to be perfect, but to remember that growth and self development is on a daily basis.

    It is also important to know what you want in a relationship and what you do not want in a relationship. But also remember not to ask a future partner demands they cannot fulfill and vice versa.

    One of the most important things is to take time to know someone. In the beginning, chemicals, hormones, naive ideas about love make us sometimes go too fast in a relationship, we think because we are madly in love with someone the first few months, we know all about them and we found our soulmate, just to find out that they become a total stranger.

    Never view past relationships as a waste of time, but as an experience you learn deep lessons about one's self and others.

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  31. I don’t think anything gets wasted in a relationship. No matter how it ended or what you endured during the relationship. For the simple, reason being every experience is a learning experience. I’m gonna take a guess that your last relationship did not work out as planned. Even though it is hard to see through the pain, and whatever other damaging emotions the relationship inflicted on you. You can make a good list at this point of things to look for in an unhealthy relationship. Boundaries you will not allow to be crossed again because you now know the result. Traits in a partner that you find unacceptable. So while you may think the relationship was a waste of your time. It took the exact amount of time it was supposed to for you to learn these things in life. It does not feel fair, but how are we supposed to learn this information? By listening to someone who has been through it before? I have never know any information to stop a person from pursuing a relationship they “wanted so badly” at one time. These are the types of things we learn by experience only. In hope that it only takes once. So instead of looking at it as a waste of your time, which is a negative outlook. Try to gain some insight from yourself. Now, you are closer to knowing more about yourself, who you want in a partner, and what you don’t want. I think that time is a very tricky, and complex thing. Timing can be everything. I think if there are certain lessons and experiences we are to know and go through so that we have more wisdom. It could take time for us. The more we fight to learn and grow, I suppose the more time it would take. Maybe to avoid any more time being taken from you (which is going to happen anyway no matter who is in your life) You could make a list of the things you know you do want in a partner, and the things you know you don’t want. That should eliminate some of the guessing. I also suggest you take a little time and think about the experiences and things you learned in your last relationship. Reflect on them and how they changed you. Try to see something good even if it is only for the good of your own heart.

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  32. Make more effort for him but I’ve got too tell him too start a knowledge of her. Talk, at least try to remain friends (won’t never be the same though.) Communicate & don’t be afraid of each other.

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  33. If you notice the relationship between the 2 are toxic and you tried to fix it but it still is toxic all you need to do is to get out of it and move forward and not waste your time . There are 2 kinds of people

    Nice people
    Good people
    The difference between the two are nice people stay in the relationship eventhough they know that the relationship between the two is dead. The good people will push the envelope if they see that the relationship is progressing and they will walk away like nothing ever happened between them no drama nothing

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  34. Take your time with the person. You have to really know the person 100% to prevent your time getting wasted. Know for sure that the person is genuine with good intentions etc. be patient and don’t rush anything. If your already in a relationship and your trying to avoid wasting time then that will cause you to waste your own time because before you get into a relationship, you have to know for sure in your heart that the person is the person for you and that shows you that they’re not going to waste time. Time will tell if that person will waste your time or not. You just have to be patient and get to know the person fully.

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  35. You cant control how someone behaves in a relationship the only this you can do is learn from your past mistakes and be more careful when it comes to choosing who you settle with.

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  36. Watch the red flags very carefully & this time act upon it! Leave!

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