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What is the best way to end a relationship with a violent, controlling and obsessive partner?

Ending a relationship can be easy or hard depending on the situation surrounding your breakup. Sometimes people get emotional while others get hostile which can lead to different outbursts. Trying to prevent this would be the best option.

In today's mental health question and answer session, share your opinion in the comment session below.

How best can a person end a relationship with a violent, controlling, and obsessive partner?



How to handle an abusive relationship

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels


68 comments

  1. If you think there is even a slight chance of violence then ghost them

    It could save your life

    You do not owe them explanations

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    1. Ghosting a violent person is dangerous I would say because if they ever find out where you are or who you are with they might just get harmful.

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  2. end” implies you are in control
    “controlling” implies he needs to be in control
    “obsessive & harsh” means he won’t let things go
    “you in control” + “his personality” <> peacefully (“<>” means not-equal-to)
    Sorry to break this news to you.

    Your only option is to hire a hot call-girl with amazing acting & manipulations skills to seduce him and make him think this is all his idea …let him leave you!!

    Good luck finding her!!

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    1. LOL, that is so crazy tho..... maybe someone might buy your point.

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  3. Oh wow this is a tricky question! The first thing that springs to mind is getting other loved ones involved to ensure you're not dealing with the situation on your own :)

    aglassofice.com x

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    1. You are right Gab,that is one of the safest way.

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  4. thanks for sharing such important topic. more like this soon. :)

    JULIE ANN LOZADA BLOG
    INSTAGRAM: @julieann_lozada

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  5. This is a tough question. I think it all depends on the personal story of ones relationship. It's hard to tell as for everyone it can be a bit different.

    www.fashionradi.com

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  6. stop talking to that person. say nothing become boring and read a lot they will leave

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  7. :) Just leave. Unless you are chained to the bed and can’t physically leave, all you need to pack your bags if you live together, and block him everywhere. Also tell him, “can’t be in relations with an obsessive and controlling person”. And don’t listen to their speeches of how they would change. They need to work on themselves before trying to be in relations. And don’t think you’ll hurt their feelings - you have your life and deserve to be in good calm relations. They will get over it, and hopefully learn lesson.

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    1. Surely, they never change and packing your bags and leaving, is the best choice ever. I bet they never learn their lesson.\
      Thank you Nataliya

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  8. change the number and ignore the person in real life

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    1. I guess is this best done to an overly obsessive partner. Some never let go so its better to just walk away, pack your things and never look back.

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  9. Get out quickly. No relationship should be controlling if as you suggest. You sound miserable as the person you describe. If you know the difference get out.Nothing worse than being with a paranoid personality who is obsessed with your whereabouts.

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    1. That is crazy tho, but yes getting out quickly is the best option. Thank you Rick.

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  10. You can do this right at the police station if he won't take no for an answer just let him know you are willing to take the necessary steps…to get him the f*** out of your life…love yourself first any more time with him is wasted energy

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    1. Lol, sounds funny but some crazy partners who cant let go, needs to cleared at the station. Especially, if the person can become physical after disclosing your news of leaving.

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  11. Well a short and sweet goodbye to an abusive partner is one way to do it! As long as leaving that way is safe. Many people in abusive relationships cannot safely leave their abuser without a threat to their lives. But no one should have to live with an abusive partner or any other abusive person. This is a very though provoking question and I would have to say each situation needs to be treated differently. Thanks for sharing and linking.

    Shelbee
    www.shelbeeontheedge.com

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Shelbee for your contributions.

      Delete
  12. Tell them its over and really mean it this time. Block them, move out if you live together. Don’t entertain them in any way, shape, form, or fashion. Block them on social media. Make sure mutual friends know you’re not together so they don’t bring them up. Get law enforcement involved if you have to.

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  13. simple - simply tell the person it is no longer working - either face to face, or whatever you feel comfortable with - simply be up front, honest, frank, to the point (don’t dwell on past issues) be honest with yourself, express your feelings explicitly in a calm, civilized, unthreatening manner - then you have done your part - and you can move on

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  14. At your neighborhood police department….if he doesnt see things your way his next home will be jail.explain.that one to him….and then ghost his ass.and don't do anything else to encourage him or give him hope.if you get hot in the ass.swindle someone else out of some dick….but stay the fuck away from him..he is clearly insecure

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  15. Break up with them respectfully. Leave them alone and start living your best life. Do things that makes you happy and good. Keep your self occupied by doing things productive. Avoid them and move on to the next.honestly life is too short to tolerate people like that. You can be happy, living a wonderful life & achieving goals that you have. There’s great females out there that will treat you like how you deserve. That’s how you break free from a relationship like that. Do and be better for you!

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  16. Just block and ghost them immediately without explanation because they don't deserve it. Unless you do, they'll continue to badger you until you change your mind and give in.

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  17. When you can’t seem to get ahead in the relationship. When it seems like the relationship isn’t going anywhere and it’s getting to the point all you do is fight and it’s getting toxic. That’s when it’s time to say goodbye.

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  18. Plan ahead to have one of your friends be there while you get your possessions out and be gone and make sure you don't make any contact with them blocked them off of all social media and stay clear of them at all cost

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  19. Avoid him and dump his ass.

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  20. Be honest and direct.

    Tell them it's not working for you and try to find an amicable way to separate.

    If that is not an option, make a plan. A place to go, how to get your stuff, have a set date, enlist trusted help with these things.

    On that date , take your stuff and go. Make sure you have your own safe place and let court handle the rest.

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  21. With the exception of people in physical danger, I have so much difficulty relating to this “problem.”

    For me, there is no bigger turn-off than a man who is obsessive and overly controlling toward me. Get out from under the oppression and enjoy your freedom!

    Just have the conversation and break up. If he persists, block his phone number, email, social media, etc.

    If there is a threat of physical harm, be smart with your planning. Relocate (I know, it’s difficult and unfair. Find friends or relatives who can help in the short term), and get the police/courts involved.

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  22. Well stop fall for their trap. They want to have you around their finger. I’ve heard it all before like I love you, don’t you love me? I will kill myself if you leave. Do you want me to cut myself? I won’t talk to you ever again. You never loved me. The list goes on, it’s a cycle.

    My ex used to do this to me every time and every time, I was right back into his arms. Because my heart would start pounding when I think I’m breaking his heart and guilt starts to eat you up. Then you think to yourself, do you really love him or her?

    Stop falling for the cycle that never stops. It’s just controlling and not good for your mental health. Don’t fall for the twisted lies or guilt trips.

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  23. I don't believe time is wasted in a relationship, we always learn something new whether we have repeated the same mistake or not. Taking time to get to know someone new is my approach to making a determination whether I see a relationship moving forward or leaving the two of you as just friends. Someone once said: “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up, the most certain way to succeed is to always try just one more time” You aren't wasting your time in any relationship, whatever you do don't give up trying for the relationship you are searching for.

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  24. Hello ���� You end it Carefully and swiftly. You must cut off all access to you , your employer and inform family and friends you need their support. You can never be “just friends “ in the future. I’ve had to do this unfortunately and I was extremely covert. if you are a female then contact your local women helping women organization. they are amazing at helping with escape plans . 1 800 799 SAFE is a helpline for men women. They can definitely help with an escape plan and identifying behaviors. Hopefully this is helpful and I am praying for you friend ����

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  25. Contact a battered woman's shelter and talk to them for advice first because you are being abused. Then start saving yourself some money. Do not show in anyway you are planning to leave because you can be hurt real bad. Act Normal but be making plans to leave. If you have children this abuse is affecting them too. When you get ready to leave with nothing as a paper trail indiicating where you went. Tell no one what you are doing for your safety. Battered women's shelters are very safe. They help you get a divorse, clothes and anything else you may need. Another option to think about is moving to a new town he does not know about. Leave when he is gone from the house for your safety… My experience is I have been in several battered woman's shelter's.

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  26. You sneakily remove yourself from the situation when this other person is not around. No manipulator, not even the most disgusting ones, are around you 24/7. They hold down jobs and have to leave you alone sometime. In those brief interims, you begin to set the ground work for your escape to freedom. First, by contacting a support network in your neighborhood that is used to dealing with domestic abuse and making them aware of your situation.

    You also make your friends and family aware of what’s been going on so that when you do leave it isn’t a shock and they will also be there to stand beside you and your decision to leave.

    Finally, when the other person isn’t looking, you pack your bags, clear out and just walk away - leaving no trace of your former self behind, no explanation of your reasons for leaving, and certainly, no future contact information which may help them find you more directly. If things are very bad, before you take this final step, you also procure a restraining order from the police so that if this other person takes it upon themselves to track you down, they are legally subject to arrest under the law.

    Make sure all of the variables are on your side before you make the final break. If possible, relocate somewhere far away from this other person so that distance is also an impediment for them being able to find you. Best of luck here. You can do this. But you need help, and in today’s world, there is plenty of it around. Seek it out. Don’t do this alone!

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  27. What I did was I built up my worth and I worked on my confidence so I wouldn’t fall for their sappy trick to make you stay and let me tell you it takes some time to build that up. And after I did that I told them straight up and moved out. Like don’t let what they say get to you but what I also did was plan to move somewhere far from them like a far apartment or condo to work my way up. But I mean you could always try to confront them about their behavior I mean you would have to if you were going to leave them anyways but first take some time to get yourself together and while you are doing talk to them and try to find ways you could fix the problems and maybe you might not need to leave BUT REMEMBER THIS TAKES TIME.

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  28. Quickly. You cannot give them time to think about it and make a counter plan. Controlling people can be very dangerous. Plan your escape thoroughly and secretly. Get a safe place to stay and money and a way to get there, if possible. If violence erupts, just get out with your life and be grateful. Good luck to you. Please don’t procrastinate and stay in this situation.

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  29. If you want to end something just end it. Period. You are the boss of you!

    Just remain calm when you end it. Calm and firm, please.

    Have someone strong with you when you end it. If you have good strong people around you it can help.

    xxxx

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  30. Make a plan. Pack your shit and leave while they are at work. Then go no contact. And while this doesn't sound peaceful , the alternatives most certainly won't be. It will be most peaceful for you. And that's what is important. It's time for you to think about you now.

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  31. Good reason to end a relationship, If the both of you are single, to avoid confrontation with your partner remove your personal effects while he or she isn't in the house or apartment and send them a note stating it's over and don't say where you are living. Otherwise remove your partners things and change the lock. If you are married, file for divorce and leave. I had a friend who's wife spent everything he earned plus a lot more, he finally had enough and had a lawyer send the divorce papers to their condo as she didn't work with a letter attached telling her to sign the papers in the presence of the lawyer take the air ticket and fly back to her home area, failing to sign there and then she would be removed that day with her personal effects placed on the sidewalk. She signed took the air ticket and left that day.

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  32. Very carefully. You know what to do if the shit hits the fan. HARSH, CONTROLLING and OBSESSIVE doesnt have PEACE in the same MOVEMENTS.

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  33. Sorry to tell you this, but it’s very unlikely that you can end this relationship peacefully - it is much more likely to be an all-out war! The perpetrators of domestic violence - and that’s what this is - will never permit anyone to escape from their clutches without trying every means possible to keep them under their control. This could include threats, blackmail, punishment and actual violence.

    One suggestion I can think of is that perhaps you could take some pre-emptive action by getting advice from a social worker, religious leader if you are religious, or a lawyer/ solicitor for legal actions available if necessary.

    My preferred suggestion, which I strongly recommend, is that you disappear - leave when your partner is away at work - and go to a women’s refuge where you could shelter while you break all ties. These organisations have access to other supports including legal assistance for victims of domestic violence, and ways of getting you to safety away from your present circumstances.

    I wish you the very best for your future.

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  34. That type of personality will never go quietly! Say goodbye and block them on your phone and any social media you share! It may be necessary to move to another continent as well!

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  35. I think the best way to end is to quietly tell him it is over and he will yell and accuse you.Don’t answer him just keep repeating that you are leaving.Don’t engage in further conversation that just prolongs things and makes him angrier.Good luck.

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  36. Start by loving yourself enough to know that it is time that you put a stop to mental abuse. Communicate that you deserve better and that if they are not willing to respect your needs and desires that its over. Have them realize it is unacceptable to have this behavior in your life.

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  37. You might not be able to. Be straight forward. But have a safety plan and a backup plan. If you make it clear that you are prepared for a nonpeaceful response without threatening, you will have the upper hand.

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  38. Definitely make sure first, you are aware of your own safety from a precautionary position. To end the relationship peacefully, would require those measures first and foremost. From that place, if communication can be had, it needs to be expressed, that the relationship is no longer in a healthy space, that your concerns is for them to be complete as a person, and by exhibiting these qualities they are not presenting their best self first to their own self and then to you. Explain that these attributes are hurting their own self growth and expansion and thus spilling over into the relationship. By appealing to their growth and hopefully desire to self-improve this should shine a light on where they are falling short personally. From this place then let them know that you are supportive of this journey, and while they are on this path of self discovery they should focus solely on themselves. That way it doesn’t trigger feelings of being rejected, but feelings of self awareness and empowerment. This should by default end the relationship, and more so every time they reach out to you just focus on encouraging their self journey, and not the connection one may have had.

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  39. Based on what I understood from my friends’ experiences, ghosting sounds like the best idea, provided you can really disappear and they will never find you again.

    I don’t have enough information to provide good advice, but if you feel endangered, do talk to professionals first so you can better manage the situation.

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  40. There is no way for you to end a toxic relationship peacefully or any relationship. Someone is always going to get hurt. If you want to end it… just end it.

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  41. Move all of your possessions away from their clutches first, then tell them, very frankly, “it is over, I am no longer in a relationship with you, I have just dumped you”. Do so in text, and in person, simultaneously, because they will slander your name to everyone they can. In the text, list your reason/s for doing so as well. Then, leave, and never look back.

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  42. Verna Gates11/24/2020

    You can’t. Go ahead and give up that hope. Harsh and controlling people will not let go easily. I have covered way too many trials of people who murdered parters when they tried to leave. The best way to get out is to plan carefully and secretly. Make one swift move when he or she is not going to be around. If the partner finds out, get out with your life, don’t hesitate. Never go back unless you want a lifetime of tortuous payback and ten times the control. Good luck. Please know that you do have to get out and don’t tarry.

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  43. This is hard. But you can do it!

    Keep in mind people who behave this way (harsh, controlling, obsessive as you say). They behave like this for a reason. It is usually rooted in an emotionally abusive childhood they may have had. It starts by having compassion and understanding for the hurt they feel inside. Be understanding of the childhood wounds they may have.
    Have your plan in place BEFOREHAND. eg, your move out date, packed bags etc
    Then sit down with them in an environment they feel at ease and that you feel comfy in too. Talk to them about it, and use “I feel" statements to make it about you, not them. Maybe meet at a restaurant.
    Be clear. “I've decided to leave this relationship. I feel unhappy…”etc. If they try to make you feel guilt, let them know you are sorry they feel that way. But you need to look after yourself.
    Then leave!

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  44. Tell them what they are doing that is bothering you. They can’t chNge the way they are actually g if you don’t tell them what your seeing from them. Sometimes they don’t realize they are being that bad. Sometimes there is anger and fear, frustration hiding behind the behavior which makes it worse and over the top. So try and look at it from other angels and be sensitive to the situation , unless you don’t want to fix it and calmly help figure out why they are acting this way and address it . Then just break up.

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  45. Very carefully and with the help of family and friends. Do not underestimate what this person’s response might be to your breaking off the relationship. If you live together, do not return to your home by yourself. If you are sure that you want to be out of this relationship permanently, make that known and cut off all contact. Do not play games or act wishy washy about ending the relationship.

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  46. I personally did everything different- all of the things he hated- (that I found myself becoming I amplified) Im still not totally sure I was Super aware I was doing it. I knew the next time he’d kill me- also that he’d never let me go. I felt trapped. So I started trapping him. Quit my job, was uber needy all the time, never smiled, stopped cleaning, just let myself fall into the depression id been holding back for a decade. i expected him to fix it, blamed him when he didnt try or couldnt. by the end he gave me the most brutal discard- im sure hoping that i wouldnt contact him. it worked- still hasnt spoken to me in 2 years. the one time we had an issue with our child he attempted to be civil- i insulted him- twice- it took twice before he went off on me and no longer attempted what he called an “olive branch”

    its very easy really get hyper aware of the money (it effects you too) who hes with and how long (an STD effects you too) get needy, stop being helpful-dont go thru his things thats asking for abuse- but ask “where did that shirt come from, that paperweight even or especially when you know already. They can lie easily however details that dont effect them seem to escape notice- so coming up with easily proven lies makes them uneasy if they think you might call them out- hate that- he will leave you like a7s is on fire and his hair is catching. Too many easier marks in his social circle to put up with a needy, uppity, questioning, woman. Be advised they hate being rushed so expect the brutal discard. best of luck

    allmy thoughts and prayers.

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  47. Tell them you do not love them no more and that you no longer want to be with them! If they don’t take any notice get the police involved and take it from there. These sort of people don’t take no for an answer make sure you do no contact and block them from everything, Facebook, email and phone etc.

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  48. It is unlikely to be possible. For the least possible drama, you secure a new place to live, pack while he’s away, and one day, while he’s away, you leave. You ghost him. Preferably, you move to another town, far enough away for it to be a pain in the butt for him to stalk you (and if he does stalk you, obtain a restraining order and then have something in your possession to use for self-defense if/when he violates the order).

    If he has been physically abusive, there should be a women’s shelter or similar abuse support program that will help you get out. In such cases, the last week or two before you leave are the most dangerous, so keep pretending to be miserable even though you secretly feel relief, and then get out.

    Finally—and I cannot stress the importance of this enough—NO CONTACT after you leave—EVER. Your (now-ex) partner will not change and cannot be reasoned with, so you will just get sucked back into the maelstrom of bullshit that you worked so hard to escape.

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  49. In my opinion I do not think it is possible to end a relationship peacefully with a harsh, controlling and obsessive partner. The reason I say this is because my late husband was very sick and he was dying he got much more harsh, controlling and obsessive. From my experience it is my opinion it is best to just for you to move out of the house when your controlling, harsh, obsessive partner is not home the reason I say this is so you do not get hurt. Many women are killed every year when leaving controlling, obsessive harsh partners.

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  50. Francisco J. Vasquez11/29/2020

    Move on; stick to your decision; get help.

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  51. Stealthily

    in Secrecy

    with patience

    with perfect timing

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  52. Usually when a female asks this question its because she already has plans to leave her partner. The partner subconciously knows that she will leave him at the slightest imperfection and thats why he may become desperate. He has the fear of already knowing that you plan on leaving him soon. So in his quest to prevent that from happening he becomes obsessive and controlling. If men had nothing to worry about they would be more confident and less controlling. Deep down they know thats not the case and that the female will cheat and dump them sooner or later. Which is why they become desperate, panicky and obsessive.

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  53. First of all, please make sure that you are safe. You may need to reach out to community resources to help you come up with a plan to break free. Can your family help you? Can your friends help you? You may want to reach out to a crisis helpline for ideas on how you should proceed. Again, please make sure that you are safe. Good luck to you, sister.

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  54. Gosh, it sounds like you’ve had enough, totally comprehensible. You need to be 100 percent clear to your ex that you need out; be direct but polite. The message must be heard and understood - that you are actually breaking up and it’s final. That means sending your ex any personal items right away, returning any gifts, and writing the dreaded “dear John” letter. You might, since you say the ex is obsessive, think of changing your number, social media, or other personal contact info right away. It might also help to have a mutual friend be the mediator or “go between” for a while (or forever). That means having this friend relay messages so that you do not have to speak directly with your ex. It might be too emotional to deal with this break up face-to-face, but in this time of Covid, a zoom or phone break up is acceptable. Again, your ex deserves to hear the plain truth from you - that it is over!

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  55. If the person is: harsh, controlling, and obsessive, there is only one way to end it. You have to rip the bandaid off. Depending upon your living situation, you move out or they move out. To make it peaceful, the more swift the better because if they do not want to end the relationship and they are controlling, it will drag out and become “not peaceful”. Good luck and god bless.

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