 |
| Photo of Melody Jacob |
I started writing this on my way home from work.
I wanted to write it this morning, but time got away from me. Still, this topic has been sitting heavily on my mind for a while now, and today I want to talk about something I call the silent helpers in our lives.
Or perhaps, the people we have kept silent.
There are many ways this can happen, but today I want to focus on something simple: appreciation. More specifically, the lack of it.
This is a topic that has become very personal to me.
I have always been the kind of person who helps people.
Friends, family, colleagues, classmates, acquaintances—it never really mattered. If I could help, I would. Not because I wanted praise. Not because I expected something in return. Simply because I cared.
Helping people felt natural to me.
Whether it was my time, my advice, my resources, my connections, my support, or just being there when someone needed a listening ear, I gave what I could. Like the saying goes, every little helps.
For years, I never thought much about it.
Then, about three years ago, I started noticing something.
The more I helped certain people, the more they expected it.
Some people would call only when they needed something. Others would reach out the moment a problem appeared. I'd help today, and two days later another request would arrive.
And another.
And another.
What surprised me wasn't that they needed help. Life happens. We all need people sometimes.
What surprised me was how rarely anyone stopped to think about the person giving.
How often do we ask ourselves:
"Is this person okay?"
"Do they have enough to give right now?"
"How is helping me affecting them?"
Many people never ask those questions.
They simply return for more.
Over the years, I also noticed something else.
Whenever I finally said no—whether because I couldn't help, didn't have the resources, or simply needed to protect my own peace—the relationship changed.
Friendships became distant.
Family relationships became strained.
Suddenly, I was labelled selfish, stingy, uncaring, or difficult.
Yet these were often the same people who had no problem accepting my help countless times before.
For a long time, I ignored it.
I told myself it was normal.
I convinced myself that helping people was enough.
But then something started bothering me.
I would sit in gatherings and watch people enthusiastically thank someone who had helped them once (I say this because I know).
A full speech.
A public acknowledgment.
A heartfelt appreciation.
Meanwhile, I would be sitting in the same room, having supported them for years, and my name would never be mentioned.
I have organised events.
Helped with birthdays.
Assisted with graduations.
Offered advice during difficult seasons.
Provided support behind the scenes when nobody else was there.
I've watched people stand on stage and thank everyone except the people who quietly carried part of the weight.
For years, I accepted it because I thought such behavior was normal.
Until I started looking back.
I thought about primary school.
Secondary school.
University.
Even later in life.
And I realised something uncomfortable.
Many of the people I had consistently helped had never actually said, "Thank you."
Not a genuine thank you.
Not, "I appreciate what you've done for me."
Not, "You made a difference."
Nothing.
Yet they always seemed comfortable asking for more.
That was when I started asking myself a difficult question:
Why do we often overlook the people who help us the most?
The people who are always available.
The people who always show up.
The people who quietly support us without making a scene.
The people who help simply because they care.
These are the silent helpers.
They don't ask for recognition.
They don't demand applause.
They don't keep score.
They simply want to see the people they care about doing well.
They give their time.
Their energy.
Their resources.
Their attention.
Their wisdom.
Their support.
And somehow, because they are always there, they become invisible.
People begin to expect their kindness instead of appreciating it.
And that's where the problem begins.
Because appreciation should not be reserved only for the people who show up once.
The person who has been there for years deserves appreciation too.
The friend who always answers your call deserves appreciation.
The sibling who always supports you deserves appreciation.
The cousin who quietly helps behind the scenes deserves appreciation.
The colleague who patiently explains things when you're struggling deserves appreciation.
The person who consistently stands by you deserves appreciation.
Not because they demand it.
But because they are human.
For a long time, I did not even think about this issue but when I began to think about it, I thought feeling hurt by the situation made me selfish.
I thought maybe I wasn't supposed to notice.
Maybe I wasn't supposed to care about the thank you's.
Maybe asking to be appreciated somehow made my kindness less genuine.
But I no longer believe that.
Wanting appreciation is not the same as demanding worship.
It is not the same as asking people to carry a microphone and announce your name to the world.
It's simply wanting basic acknowledgment.
If someone can loudly thank a stranger, they can quietly thank the person who has stood beside them for years.
That isn't selfish.
That's human.
Three years ago, I began setting boundaries.
Not because I wanted to stop helping people.
But because I wanted to start being kind to myself too.
I learned that helping someone should be a choice, not an obligation.
I help because I want to.
Not because people have become entitled to my help.
And honestly, setting those boundaries has made me happier.
It has given me peace.
It has reminded me that my value does not depend on how much I can give away.
Still, I often think about all the silent helpers out there.
The people who will read this and immediately recognise themselves.
The people who have spent years helping others without acknowledgment.
The people who have watched others receive praise for doing a fraction of what they've done.
The people who have wondered:
"Why does nobody see me?"
"Why am I forgotten?"
"Why does everyone remember what others did but forget what I did?"
Why am I so present but yet so absent?
If that's you, I understand.
I've asked those questions too.
And while I can't answer every one of them, I can tell you this:
You deserve to be seen.
You deserve to be appreciated.
You deserve to be acknowledged.
Not because you helped for recognition.
But because every human being deserves gratitude when they have genuinely made a difference in someone else's life.
And if nobody has told you lately, thank you.
Thank you for the late-night conversations.
Thank you for the advice.
Thank you for the support.
Thank you for the sacrifices people never noticed.
Thank you for showing up.
Thank you for caring.
The world needs people like you.
Now, before I finish, I want to talk about something important.
Why do people overlook the silent helpers?
Why do some people find it so easy to appreciate others but struggle to acknowledge the people who have always been there?
There are several reasons, and understanding them may help us make sense of experiences that have left many of us confused and hurt.
1. They Have Become Used to You
This is probably the most common reason.
When someone helps once, it stands out.
When someone helps all the time, people begin to expect it.
Your kindness becomes part of the background.
Not because it isn't valuable, but because it has become familiar.
People stop noticing what is always available.
2. They Mistake Reliability for Obligation
Some people eventually stop seeing your help as a gift.
Instead, they see it as your responsibility.
They begin to believe that helping is simply what you do.
As a result, gratitude disappears because they no longer view your support as something special.
3. They Only Focus on Their Own Needs
Some people are so consumed by their own struggles that they rarely think about anyone else's.
It isn't always intentional.
But they become focused on what they need next instead of appreciating what they have already received.
4. They Assume You Don't Need Appreciation
Because you appear strong, capable, and generous, people often assume you don't need encouragement.
They think you'll keep going regardless.
What they forget is that even the strongest people appreciate being valued.
5. They Don't Realise How Much You Actually Do
Many silent helpers work behind the scenes.
People see the final result but never see the effort.
They don't see the sacrifices, the planning, the stress, the time, or the energy invested.
It's difficult to appreciate what you never notice.
6. They Take You for Granted
This is the painful one.
Sometimes people simply become comfortable receiving from you.
They stop recognising the gift because they have become accustomed to it.
The help continues.
The appreciation disappears.
7. They Believe You'll Always Be There
Some people assume you'll never leave.
They assume you'll always answer the call.
Always show up.
Always help.
Ironically, this belief often makes them appreciate you less rather than more and take you for granted.
8. They Struggle to Express Gratitude
Not everyone is good at saying thank you.
Some people genuinely appreciate what you do but rarely express it.
While that doesn't erase the hurt, it can sometimes explain the silence.
The truth is if they can ask, they can say thank you, so to me their silence is a choice, intentional and nonsense behavior.
9. They Value Visibility More Than Consistency
Society often celebrates big public gestures.
Meanwhile, quiet loyalty is overlooked.
The person who appears at the right moment gets applause.
The person who has been there for ten years gets forgotten.
10. They Never Learned the Importance of Appreciation
Some people grew up in environments where gratitude was rarely expressed.
As adults, they continue the same pattern without even realising it.
They aren't intentionally unkind.
They simply never learned to acknowledge people properly.
11. They Simply Do Not Want to Appreciate You
This is a difficult truth to accept, but sometimes the reason is exactly what it appears to be.
Some people know what you have done for them.
They remember the support.
They remember the sacrifices.
They remember the times you showed up when nobody else did.
Yet they deliberately choose not to acknowledge it.
Why?
Only they can answer that question.
Perhaps saying thank you would require them to admit how much they depended on you. Perhaps acknowledging your contribution would make them uncomfortable. Perhaps they simply do not want to give you the satisfaction of knowing you made a difference.
Whatever the reason, the result is the same.
The silence is not because they forgot.
The silence is a choice.
And while that truth can hurt, it can also be freeing because it reminds you that their lack of appreciation says more about them than it does about you.
12. They Envy You
This is another uncomfortable reality that many people rarely talk about.
Sometimes people benefit from your kindness while secretly envying the very person helping them.
They admire your generosity, your stability, your character, your achievements, your relationships, your opportunities, or simply the way people respond to you.
Instead of celebrating those things, they compare themselves to you.
As a result, they find it difficult to genuinely appreciate you.
In their minds, thanking you feels like acknowledging something they wish they had themselves.
So they take the help.
They accept the support.
They enjoy the benefits.
But they never want you to feel too valued.
They never want you to feel too appreciated.
They never want you to hear the words that would confirm how important you have been in their lives.
Not because you did not deserve the thank you.
But because their envy got in the way of their gratitude.
13. They Are Using You
Not everyone who receives help has good intentions.
Some people recognise that you are kind, generous, patient, and willing to support others.
Instead of appreciating those qualities, they take advantage of them.
They know you will answer the phone.
They know you will show up.
They know you will try your best to help.
And so they continue to take.
When people are using you, appreciation is often absent because they do not see your help as a gift.
They see it as a resource.
Something available to them whenever they need it.
That is why they rarely ask how you are doing.
That is why they disappear when you need support.
That is why they become upset when you finally say no.
The moment you stop providing what they want, their interest in the relationship begins to disappear.
And that tells you everything you need to know.
14. They See You as a Fool
This may be the hardest point to read.
Do you know there are people who have been in your life for years and genuinely see your kindness as weakness?
Shocking, isn't it?
Some people look at generosity and assume it comes from a lack of intelligence.
They see someone who keeps helping, keeps forgiving, keeps showing up, and they convince themselves that they are getting away with something.
Behind closed doors, they laugh.
They joke.
They tell themselves they have outsmarted the person helping them.
What they fail to understand is that kindness is not foolishness.
Patience is not weakness.
Forgiveness is not stupidity.
Helping people is not a sign of being naïve.
In reality, it often takes far more strength to remain kind in a world that constantly encourages selfishness.
The person laughing today may never understand that.
But eventually life has a way of revealing the difference between a good heart and a foolish one.
And those are not the same thing.
If you have ever discovered that someone viewed your kindness as something to exploit or mock, remember this: their behaviour does not diminish your character.
It only reveals theirs.
To end this reality post,
If you are reading this and you recognise a silent helper in your life, tell them.
Today.
Not tomorrow.
Not next week.
Tell them that you appreciate them.
Tell them they matter.
Tell them their kindness is appreciated.
Get over yourself and say thank you. Just say it and mean it.
And if you are the silent helper, know this:
Your value is not determined by applause.
Your worth is not measured by public recognition.
The good you do matters, even when nobody says it.
But that doesn't change the fact that you deserve appreciation too.
Sometimes the people holding everyone else up are the very people nobody thinks to thank.
Maybe it's time we changed that.
If you have ever found yourself in this situation, I would love to hear your story in the comments.
Have you been the silent helper in someone's life?
How did it make you feel when your efforts went unnoticed? Did it affect your relationships or the way you view helping others?
What, if anything, did you change? Did you start setting boundaries, or do you still give as freely as before?
Most importantly, are you still a silent helper today?
Let's talk about it. Share your experiences, your thoughts, and your lessons. You never know who might read your story and realise they are not alone.
I like the way that you wrote this — in single sentences.
ReplyDeleteExcellent points! This subject is something I have often thought about, and that I have talked about with other people a number of times. Unfortunately, I think that not recognizing 'silent helpers' is something in human nature or human society. The more some people helps, the less other appreciate it. I saw this so many times, in different stages of my life. I saw it at work, at public transport, at different events and gathering. It does not seem to make any sense, yet it happens all the time. I think you analyzed it very well. There are many ways why silent help is not appreciated. It is almost as people need a 'memo' to realize that someone has helped them.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing that confuses me is that there are people who are always mean and angry to everyone, yet when they help someone ONCE, everyone talks about how nice they are.
I think it is very good of us to want to help, but we should also know how to set boundaries.
If someone is not our friend, there is no reason for us to behave as if we were friends.
Many people think about this, but they don't want to speak about it because they feel that people will say they want to be told "thank you." Many people fail to recognize silent helpers, and the more you help without being recognized, the more invisible you become in those gatherings. That is exactly what happened to me.
DeleteThe more you help, the less those kinds of people appreciate you. In short, they are eager to use their swords to slay you the moment you can no longer help, and that's when you see their true colors. You see such behavior in every aspect of life. People face such situations every day, and it's sad that takers never get tired. They never get weary at all.
I also want to talk about the point you mentioned regarding people who are always mean and angry to everyone, yet when they help someone just once, everyone talks about how nice they are. I think this is one of the things affecting Nigeria as a whole.
For example, let's look at the Nigerian government. If they actually do one thing for the people, such as repairing a major road, many people suddenly want to vote for them again just because of that one project. Meanwhile, they may have failed in many other important areas such as security, job creation, healthcare, education, and fighting corruption. Basically, almost everything else has failed, but because they completed one project, people start saying, "Oh, they are good leaders." In doing so, they become blinded to the bigger picture and end up putting the nation in even more trouble.
So yes, this situation is very relatable.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my blog, Ivana. I truly appreciate it. It's always a pleasure and a delight to see your comments here. Thank you once again, and have a wonderful weekend.
Yes, the same things can be applied to governments. When some government is nice, everyone takes it for granted because things just work and that's it. Meanwhile, when governments are corrupt people get used to it...and then they are grateful when the government does something nice for a change. People are grateful instead of getting angry with the government for being corrupt in the first place.
DeleteIt is crazy how human psychology works. I wonder if it is some kind of basic reaction, you know something that happens on instinctive basis. People are nicer to people who might not help them then to those that help them all the time. Is it that they see the helping people as a resource they can use whenever they want? There is really no excuse for this kind of behaviour.
When I was younger, I used to make excuses for everyone. I was so emphatic...but with time I realized that people make their own choices. I used to help people financially when I was able to, because I felt it is my duty as a friend to help, but then I realized....they have money for cigarettes and drinks and all that...So, their problem is not that they do not have money, it is that they spend money on the wrong things. So, what am I really doing by helping them? Supporting bad habits?
Sometimes we do more harm than good when we want to help. Sometimes the more you give to the person, the worse they treat you. It is best to stay away from bad people. Thank God there are many good people in this world. We just need to stick to them, and that is it.
Ivana, you just laid out the absolute, unfiltered truth. It is brutal, but it’s exactly how the world works.
DeleteYou hit the nail on the head: people absolutely view consistent helpers as a resource, not as human beings. When you are always there, you become like running water, nobody stops to thank the tap for working until it suddenly runs dry. It’s an ugly side of human psychology, but the moment you become "reliable," people feel entitled to your energy.
What you said about making excuses for people? That is a trap so many empathetic people fall into. We look at someone’s struggle and want to fix it, but the reality is exactly what you saw: you were funding their bad habits while they took your financial help for granted. It’s not lack of money; it’s lack of discipline and respect for your generosity. Giving more to those kinds of people doesn't make them grateful. It just makes them resent you for seeing them at their lowest.
You’re completely right. Sometimes our help is just enabling their bad behavior. Shifting that energy away from users and saving it only for the people who actually reciprocate and respect boundaries is the ultimate survival skill. Life is way too short to spend it being a free resource for people who wouldn't lift a finger for you.
Thank you for being so incredibly raw and honest with this. Spot on.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever shared this before, but I’ve been the silent helper for years, and there’s one situation that really stayed with me.
ReplyDeleteThere’s a close relative I’ve helped in different ways for a long time, financially and emotionally. I was never really focused on appreciation. I just always wanted to make sure she was okay, like I would any other day.
One day she called me asking for money urgently. It wasn’t a good time for me at all. I tried to explain that I had not been paid yet and asked if she could wait until month end. She said no, that she needed it immediately because it was for health reasons.
Even though I was unsure, I told her to give me a few minutes. I went and checked what I could do, and after a short while I sent her the money. I told her to take care of herself and carried on with my day.
At the end of the month, I was at work and started getting several calls from her. I couldn’t pick up because I was busy, and I didn’t even check who it was at that moment. Later, during my break, I saw multiple missed calls and messages.
In the messages, she said you have now been paid and that you do not want to pick up my calls or send me money. She said I was ignoring her calls because I did not want to help her again, and she called me selfish and stingy. She even said people knew me for being stingy. This was not the first time she mentioned something like that when I was unable to help immediately.
This really shocked me, especially coming from someone I had been supporting for years.
That was the moment I realized I needed to change how I was helping people. I decided I would no longer help out of pressure or expectation. I would help when I can, at the right time, and without sacrificing my own well-being. The more I extended my help to her, the more hostile and aggressive her behavior toward me became.
This is horrible, but it is exactly how a toxic people behaves. We need to cut those people out of my life immediately.
DeleteThe sad part about this whole situation is that I literally did so much for this person, and it all came from a genuine, sincere place in my heart. Even when I was drowning and choked up with my life, I still showed up for her. I literally deprived myself just to keep her afloat, yet it was never enough.
DeleteThe more I did, the more she wanted to tear me down. In the end, it was completely transactional, just a constant demand of, "Are you sending the money or not?" It made me feel like a slave working a field for her. My biggest mistake was that I was too willing to help, constantly making excuses for her hostility and the way she put me down. I used to tell myself, "Maybe she’s just going through a lot," but no, that wasn't it at all. She actually hated me for being the one who had the leverage to help her. She resented my position, and she even made a statement that proved she wished she were in my shoes.
But I have finally closed that chapter, and the peace I feel now is so calming. I don’t regret cutting it off for a second. It was a massive burden that I willfully chose to ignore for years because my generosity was being utterly abused. I’m still not entirely ready to talk about the full scope of it yet because some things are just better left unsaid for now, but I’ll speak on it when I’m ready.
Thank you for this response, Ivana. You truly get it.
Most people tend to be self-centred, or maybe you are surrounded by them, their perceptiveness is not nuanced enough and they rarely notice things around them unless it suits them. My family is like that, sadly.
ReplyDeleteIt is very difficult to be in a family; relationships are often situations where the majority of people involved are self-centered. When I came up with writing this post, I decided to be the silent helper. I think I can feel what I want to write even more deeply than the words I've put out there. It is so sad that people are really like this, not noticing things around them simply because they have chosen not to notice those things; it just suits them that way, sadly.
DeleteAmiga Melody, boa tarde de paz!
ReplyDeleteSeu texto é experiência de vida... e das priofundas, de quem vive não de forma rasteira...
Estabelecer limites é preciso e urgente num mundo de conveniências generalizadas, é infame se aproveitar da generosidade de pessoas doa bem sem haver reciprocidade.
Ainda bem que caimos em nós com o tempo e a maturidade.
Tenha dias abençoados!
Beijinhos fraternos
Hi Roselia, how are you doing today? It's lovely to hear from you. Since it's the weekend, do you have any plans?
DeleteWell, regarding today's topic about silent helpers, creating boundaries is one of the things that has actually helped me. Growing up and even when I got to university, I kept hearing people talk about boundaries. At first, I didn't really understand what they meant, but when I started implementing them in my life, they helped me a lot.
Yes, I no longer want to be a silent helper who keeps helping and then is overlooked. I want to be impactful. I also believe there is nothing wrong with someone expressing gratitude when you have genuinely assisted them. Appreciation costs nothing, yet it can mean a lot to the person who has given their time, effort, and support.
Setting boundaries has taught me that helping others is important, but it shouldn't come at the expense of constantly being taken for granted. We can be kind, helpful, and supportive while still valuing ourselves and expecting basic respect in return.
Those people take you, your help and your kindness for granted. And those people are darn lazy and negative..I would keep them at a distance.
ReplyDeleteAngie, I’ve been reflecting on the way they acted, and I sadly reached a point where I thought their behavior was just normal. I truly believe there comes a time in one's life when you realize certain things are neither normal nor right, even if they don't directly affect you. I'm really glad I could finally share this, as it’s been weighing on my mind for quite some time now.
DeleteI arrived here thanks to your kind visit to my blog, and I have to admit that it turned out to be a very pleasant surprise. I found a space that feels thoughtful, personal, and far richer than what one usually expects when arriving somewhere for the first time. While reading through the comments, I was also delighted to come across our dear friend Dezmond, which made me feel a little less like a stranger in a new place.
ReplyDeleteI have spent some time exploring your blog and I can see the care, dedication, and authenticity you put into it. Those qualities are becoming increasingly rare, which makes them all the more valuable when you find them. It is always a pleasure to discover someone who writes from genuine experience and creates a place where readers feel welcome to stay, reflect, and engage.
Thank you for sharing your corner of the blogging world. I am very glad our paths crossed, and I look forward to returning and getting to know your work better in the future.
Warm greetings from Spain.
If I said I wasn't deeply moved to read your comment, Angelo, I would be a liar. You didn’t just make my day; you made me so, so happy. You have encouraged me to never stop blogging. I wasn’t planning on stopping anyway, but a comment like yours is such a beautiful breath of fresh air, and I really, truly appreciate it.
DeleteI write from a place of raw realness and personal experience. No matter what topic I'm tackling, I want you to be able to read it and actually feel it from a realistic point of view—because as humans living on this earth, we go through real things. I don't want my blog to just be all fancy, all glitter, or all fashion. Life isn't like that. So I am incredibly happy that the truth I am trying to put out there is being seen by people, and that you are one of them.
It means the world to me that you appreciate the care, the authenticity, and the rawness I pour into my writing. I am so glad you took the time to truly explore my blog. Thank you so much, Angelo. I will definitely be reading your blog often as well, and I’m just so grateful you found my space here so wonderful. Thank you.
Unfortunately, we'll always be let down by people. I've thought about this before as well but it's just the way human nature can be. The most important thing to embrace is how God sees you! You are an amazing young woman, Melody and as my wise mom told me once in her elderly years, " don't let the Turkey's get you down"
ReplyDeleteHi Debby, I personally agree with you when it comes to embracing God, and thank you so much for pointing out that I am an amazing woman—I certainly won't let these turkeys get me down. I have also come to realize that many people know exactly what they are doing; they understand the effect their actions have on others, and they proceed with clear intentions. I think when it comes to this particular aspect of life, it is very difficult to claim that people do not understand what they are doing. I mean, if you are able to ask somebody for something, you should be able to say thank you, too. Well, I won't let them wear me down; it has never weighed me down, it is just something that has been on my mind because I felt like somebody might need to read this post. If I can help them see something they haven't been able to articulate or put into words themselves, then I am able to help bring it to light, and that is truly the essence of this particular post.
DeleteHello Melody,
ReplyDeleteyour pleasant writing allows the opportunity to enjoy a brief pause taken to think deeply. It's really a break to review past events and cnsider future actions.
We haven't to take everythink for granted.
Hi Giorgio, even though I don’t fully understand the comment you left, I appreciate you taking the time to share your perspective with me. Thank you so much for putting your views out there.
DeleteNiestey tak często jest, że myślimy wyłącznie o sobie. Bardzo ważny temat.
ReplyDeleteHi Wioleta, If somebody does something for me, it stays on my mind, and I make sure they feel appreciated and that I reach out to them. You know the truth about me: I’m someone who doesn't receive favors from people all that often. I truly believe there’s a reason for that, and it's because God keeps showering me with favors in everything I do. Some people might call it luck, but I know it's God’s hand at work, and that is a very important part of who I am. I entirely agree with you that people have become less appreciative of the assistance and help they receive from others. It is honestly happening way more often than it should these days.
DeleteWell written and absolutely right on !! A lot of your comments really resonate with me. I have been the silent helper too often and on occasion I have had to pull up my Big Girl Panties and just be bold to clarify my feelings. I don't want to be used. When The Lord gives me a poke I do follow through.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your wonderful and encouraging comments on my recent blog post. It was and is so appreciated.
(((hugs)))
Sue
I was brought up in a very strong Christian background and was taught to be generous, but nobody really warned me that giving to the wrong people can be incredibly difficult, especially when they don’t show any appreciation for what you’re doing. This realization has been heavy on my mind for a while now. Over the last three years, I’ve started wanting to take back control of my generosity; for so long, I let others dictate when and how I gave, and I just kept telling myself it was acceptable if they didn’t say thank you. I finally decided to set some firm boundaries. I’m so much happier and healthier now, and I’ve learned to offer my generosity only because I want to, because I have the means, and because it is truly needed. So many of us are afraid to speak up, so I’m really happy that you were able to pull up your big girl panties and voice your mind, no matter the setting. We often find ourselves being taken for granted, but we absolutely should be able to stand our ground and say when something isn’t right. Thank you so much for leaving a comment; I truly appreciate it. Like I mentioned, I’m so happy that Dave is doing better. You have a lovely weekend, okay? Bye!
DeleteExcellent post.
ReplyDeleteI know what you are talking about, I have noticed those signs as well. My biggest problem in it all is that I have a syndrom of the knight on a white horse, you get it - I Think I am the only one who could help and the perdson will die if I don't do what they ask for. I am currently learning how to set some order in my life, especially how to protect myself from being used.
I can totally relate to what you're saying. In my own life, it got to the point where I felt that even when I didn't have the means to help, I was somehow letting people down. It reached a stage where I felt guilty and restless whenever I couldn't do something for someone.
DeleteLooking back now, there were many situations where I should have simply said, "I'm sorry, I don't have this right now. I hope you're able to find a solution. Take care of yourself, and God bless." Instead, I carried burdens that were never really mine to carry.
But we learn. Sometimes we learn certain lessons later than we would have liked, and I believe that's part of life's journey. Personally, I feel as though I'm learning this lesson later than I should have, but I'm grateful that I've learned it at all. It's better to learn a valuable lesson late than never learn it at all.
Thank you so much for sharing your views on silent helpers. I truly appreciate your perspective and the time you took to contribute to the discussion.
How are you spending your weekend?
Melody, you wrote some very interesting and thoughtful words. Good food for thought.
ReplyDeleteMelody, I agree with you that helping others should be a choice, not an obligation.
Unfortunately, I only realized this truth recently. I, too, am a living example: I helped, I helped others (at work), and I went unnoticed. It's sad, on the one hand, because I did it all willingly and with pleasure, but on the other hand, it's sad that you're unnoticed in this matter...
Melody, my friend, I send you greetings! I wish you a nice weekend!
Thank you, Anna, for your comment.
DeleteI completely agree that helping others should be a choice, not an obligation. However, there was a point in my life when it started to feel like an obligation. Nobody ever came out and said, "You are obligated to help," but it showed up in other ways. There were silent tantrums, silent anger, and unspoken expectations that seemed to say, "You should be helping." You shouldn't stop helping."
After so long, it felt like people had gotten used to it and expected it from me. That's why I really understand what it means to be a silent helper.
I'm glad I was able to talk about this topic today because I think many people overlook silent helpers and the sacrifices they make. It's sad, sorrowful, because so much of what they do goes unnoticed until they stop doing it.
Thank you once again for sharing your thoughts. I truly appreciate your perspective.
By the way, do you have any plans for the weekend?
Great post. I read it with pleasure. Have a nice day 😊
ReplyDeleteMelody, this is very well written and oh so true. I have put myself out so many times through my life only to be forgotten. More recently a "friend" who lost her husband called on me everyday to be with her for one reason or another. I felt it was the thing to do for her. The one time I said I couldn't come to help her that was it she turned on me. That's not friendship, that's not being grateful or happy that I was there for her. I have learned to say, "no" more often now. Thank you for this very thoughtful post and sharing with FFO. Have a nice weekend.
ReplyDeleteMany people will never be remembered for their good works because they helped ungrateful people who felt entitled to that help. Occasionally, it feels better to be by oneself, and the sad part is that we all need each other.
DeleteIn my opinion, your friend did not handle the situation well. She forgot that you are human and that you also need time for yourself. While supporting others is important, you also need to take care of yourself.
The fact that she turned on you when you needed space or could not help suggests that she never truly appreciated the help you gave. Instead, she may have come to see it as something she was entitled to rather than a gift you freely offered. That is a hard reality to face, but sometimes it is the truth.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. Please take care of yourself and protect your mental well-being with the same care and attention that you give to others.
Kolejny wspaniały wartościowy post Droga Melody. Ostatnio rozmawiałam na ten temat z ciocią i usłyszałam " Nie miej żadnych oczekiwań to będziesz szczęśliwsza". Niestety zauważam, że ludzi coraz mniej obchodzi, a zwłaszcza, jeśli ofiarujemy pieniądze. To bardzo przykre, że kiedy my potrzebujemy pomocy wtedy mało kto dzwoni, pyta jak się masz. Nikogo nie ma. Ile razy to przerabiałam? Wdzięczność. Dla jednych znaczy wiele, dla drugich nic. Jedni ją okażą, drudzy odwrócą się plecami. Tak to właśnie jest. Pozdrawiam Cię najserdeczniej Melody
ReplyDeleteHaving no expectations when helping a charity makes sense. But when it comes to family, friends, or partners, it's a different story. It is totally wrong to sit in a room and watch them publicly thank someone who did one minor thing for them, while you have quietly supported them for years without ever receiving a single acknowledgment.
DeleteWhile we shouldn't help people just to get a favor in return, basic appreciation is non-negotiable. Showing gratitude is simply the right thing to do.
That painful moment when you look around during your own tough times and realize no one is calling to check on you... it’s a hurt that cuts deep, and I am so sorry you have had to go through that multiple times. You are so right: gratitude means everything to some and absolutely nothing to others.
I am so grateful you shared this, Kasia. Knowing we’ve been through the same things makes this space feel like a real community. Sending you my warmest regards and a huge hug. Have a lovely weekend!
Thank you for visiting my blog.
ReplyDeleteWe went through some of these situations, where helping even family members just backfired.
Now we are cautious with people, because well unfortunately there are some very bad intentioned people.
Guess we learned the hard way.
God bless!
Helping family members has honestly been one of the most stressful experiences I've ever faced, and the way another situation unfolded yesterday was completely unbelievable. Sometimes I genuinely wonder why some people can be so selfish and self-centered. In the end, we need to prioritize ourselves, even though most of us seem to learn that lesson the hard way.
DeleteKeep the faith, Melody. Things will get better.
ReplyDeleteI am going to be very truthful, Brenda. I no longer have faith in those people. All I can do is wish them well and hope they succeed. I wish them all the best, and may they prosper and become givers instead of just takers.
DeleteI have no faith in them anymore, and I don't feel bad about it.
¡Hola, Melody! Tus reflexiones son buenas, y creo que es cierto que no solemos agradecer lo suficiente la ayuda que recibimos en ocasiones. No es que no seamos conscientes, sino que a veces solo valoramos dicha ayuda cuando nos saca de un apuro, pero es verdad que a veces hasta una simple conversación puede tener un gran valor.
ReplyDeleteSobre la situación que detallas en los comentarios... eso es porque la persona da por hecho que estás "obligada" a estar a su disposición las 24 horas y darle siempre lo que pide. Lamento que vivieras eso, pero es mejor alejarse de personas tan egoístas.
¡Saludos y buen fin de semana! ;-)
People do not express enough gratitude in a world that preaches selfishness. On social media, people are constantly told to be selfish, yet those who choose to be givers are often seen as fools and used without much consideration.
DeleteOmaira, thank you for your comment. I have distanced myself from her completely and cut off all contact. I even blocked her number. I did it for myself, and I am putting myself first in every situation because a person like her will never truly see another person.
Boa noite minha querida amiga e irmã em Cristo Jesus, melody. Seu texto é maravilhoso. Infelizmente a ingratidão é recorrente em pleno século XXI. Uma excelente noite de sexta-feira e um grande abraço do seu irmão carioca.
ReplyDeleteHi Luiz, how are you doing today? I hope you're having a lovely Saturday!
DeleteI really don't think ingratitude is unique to the 21st century. Speaking as someone from Nigeria, the behavior I have personally experienced comes from the older generation. They are the ones who have taught the newer generation that it's okay to pick on one person and be hostile toward them just because they are a silent helper.
The people I am facing this with were all born well before 2001, so the modern era isn't the main problem here. Because the majority belong to the older generation, I don't entirely agree that widespread ingratitude is just a recent issue. While you can certainly find it in this century, its roots go back much further.
Great post and a very timely topic. Your observations and experiences resonate with me.
ReplyDeleteFor years, I was the kind, understanding person, always ready to help.
I thought I was surrounded by kind people from whom I didn't expect gratitude, but loyalty. I was disappointed, let down, and... changed. Or rather, people changed me.
Thank you for this post!
Expecting both gratitude and loyalty from them isn't wrong; the choice is theirs to either be there for you, just as you have been for them, or not.
DeleteYou're right, of course, but I've learned to rely only on myself. If someone offers me selfless help, I'm grateful and I remember them.
DeleteI forgot to mention yesterday that I really like the first photo!
Best regards and have a nice weekend :)
You are so right, sometimes the best peace of mind comes from learning to rely entirely on yourself. It is a powerful shift, and it makes you appreciate the genuinely selfless people so much more when they do come along. I'm so glad you liked the first photo! Thank you for noticing and pointing that out. Have a truly lovely and beautiful weekend! :)
DeleteI have spent years wondering why I was invisible to most people. My blog has changed all that. The views of my posts numbers in the thousands. There are but a few comments out of all of that. Those that do comment are dearly appreciated. You are among them. Thank you. no longer wonder if what I write is read. The numbers tell the story and that is enough for me. Silent appreciation is fine but a few who let you know you are heard is precious.
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings
Thank you for the support.
Oh my, Iris! You bring a totally different perspective to this post, and I truly appreciate it. I get many views on my blog, and even though the views are important, those comments mean so much more. With views, you know people have come across the blog and most likely read it, but when people actually leave feedback as comments, it is such a beautiful thing. It confirms that people are truly reading the post, and that is a completely different form of appreciation.
DeleteLike you said, silent appreciation is fine in this instance, but when people actually let you know, it’s such a beautiful feeling. I really want to thank you for pointing the issue out because I hadn't looked at it this way before! That is exactly why this blog is meaningful to me. For anyone who decides to read it daily or monthly, you get to gain and learn so much, and I’ve learned so much just from this comment of yours.
Thank you so much for the posts you share as well. If anyone hasn't told you today, you have a lovely blog and you write so elegantly! I'm always delighted to contribute.
Excellent thought provoking post, Melody. Unfortunately, people only care about themselves and not others. It's a very selfish society that we live in today. We must try and avoid these people, they are not good for a healthy relationship.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Bill, for your comment. I totally agree with you that avoiding them is best. But honestly, some of them cling like skin to people; even when you try to avoid them, they keep bumping you with calls and messages.
DeleteIn my experience, like I mentioned in the comments below, it's just better to cut them off completely. You have to be ready for the backlash, the gossip, and everything else they are going to say. But if you want to maintain your health and mental well-being, these are not the kind of people to keep close. It's better to cut them short.
I hope you're having a lovely Saturday, Bill!
Many people may not say thank you and the helping people may go unnoticed at times BUT God sees all and in the end to me that is all that really matters. :). Have a wonderful day and I thank you and people like you who are generous with their time and talent. :)
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you that God actually sees all in the end and blesses us, but there's a particular saying I always have: even when Jesus Christ came to this earth, he came in human form in order to relate to us and see what we are facing as humans. He had to pass through the exact same things before he died for us.
DeleteWe are not angels living in this world. We were made in God's likeness and image, but we are in a world where we have to make choices that can either be good or bad. And to that, I believe that people are completely responsible for their actions.
If they don't want to say thank you, then they just don't want to say thank you. If they are ungrateful, selfish, or self-centered, that is the pathway and the choice that they have made, regardless of what has happened in their life. We can decide to be architects and writers, and we can write our own lives to be better. If you are able to ask somebody for help, then you should be able to say thank you. It's simple: it's either you're saying thank you, or you're not. It's your choice at the end of the day.
Melody, first off, just by the sweet comments you always leave me, I can tell you have such a sweet heart and this post is so relatable. It makes me think of something I've always said...there are givers and there are takers. As givers, we are always going to give, because that is our nature. We almost can't help but give and support in all kinds of ways. But the takers...they only think of themselves. Giving never even crosses their minds, because it's hard to think of others when you are so preoccupied with your own self. I had someone in my life that, if I bought them soup when they were sick, they actually complained that it wasn't homemade. Mind you, I had two young children at the time. I barely had time to fix dinner and this person had all the time in the world. She was and still is a taker. If I made cookies for someone in need, rather than join in and give of her own resources, she would ask if I could make her some cookies too. These seem like silly things until it's a lifetime of things and then you wake up one day and realize they are master manipulators. But, in the long run, the givers are the ones who are fulfilled because after all...it's better to give than to receive :) Keep being a giver (always with discernment and boundaries in place) and God will reward you in ways the others will never know. Blessings to you and have a great weekend!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Debbie. Like you said, there are givers and there are takers. Some givers are always going to give, and that's just the fact about them because it’s their nature. They can't help it. They are kind, they are soft-hearted, and they genuinely care about people who are in need.
DeleteThen, there are people where giving never even crosses their mind. It's just hard for them to comprehend sharing, giving, or helping somebody. They are completely absorbed in their own lives, their own cycles, how to take, how to build, how to just be, be, be about themselves without ever considering other people. You are totally right; that's the tragic reality of the life we live in. That's where boundaries, balance, and knowing when someone isn't worth your energy come in, so you can just cut them off.
It is so sad that the person you kept helping just kept asking for more without ever considering you. You know, one of the reasons people don't want to talk about others not appreciating them or saying thank you is because outsiders might look at the help as something small, like making cookies for another person, making a cup of tea, or going to the supermarket to get groceries. But they forget that when this is a buildup of different errands, different help, and different assistance over the years, it becomes a massive weight. It's about people putting themselves last to make sure your needs are fulfilled, that you're okay, and that you're well. It becomes a heavy bundle of everything over the years.
Yet, the giver is left feeling a bit ashamed or not bold enough to speak up, because they feel like if they are asked, "What have you even done?" all they can say is, "I made cookies, I bought groceries, I helped them when they were in the hospital, I cleaned their house." People always attach "real" help mostly to finances; they feel like money is the bigger part of it. But being there: physically and emotionally showing up: is a whole lot. Givers don't want to be seen as dramatic or "too much," so they just keep quiet and keep taking the pain. It's a lot. It's a whole lot.
A taker will look at someone who has been helping them for years and coldly ask, "What have you ever done for me? Can you mention it?" And because the giver is in too much pain to articulate it and say, "I gave you my time when I was unwell, I was sick and I still had to go to the supermarket to get you something to eat or to cook for you," people just don't understand. They don't understand that these things cost a lot. It takes a toll on you.
But you see the cruel irony of life? The person who is doing absolutely nothing, nobody even expects anything from them. That person is seen as the "good person" just minding their business and not giving a damn. They are in the safe zone. Meanwhile, the giver is under constant scrutiny, constantly being told how they need to act, how they need to give more, and how they need to do more. The giver is never truly seen. Even though they are standing right there in a crowded room where everyone is looking at them, everyone looking at them is completely blindfolded.
Melody, you hit the nail on the head in the irony of it all. I would always hear comments about this person, how she was just so sweet, and all the while I was thinking...hmmm...she literally has sucked me dry with all of her taking. And the guilt of not wanting to help her anymore was so real. I felt like I was being a horrible person, yet I was burned out and just didn't have anything else to offer after all the years.
DeleteTo be honest Debbie, one of the things I completely left out in the main post is the brutal side effects of creating boundaries toward takers when they have successfully made us their "silent helpers."
DeleteWhen you're the silent helper, the truth is that helping can become kind of addictive. It feels like a habit because our brains are wired to find joy in making others happy or just because you are a kind person. But master manipulators know exactly how to weaponize that. They consume us so completely that we gradually lose the right, the choice, or even the chance to say no. Their constant demands and guilt trips rewrite our rules until we feel like we have to save them just to keep the peace.
Just like breaking any other habit, when you finally start setting boundaries or cutting them off, there will be actual withdrawal symptoms. You are going to feel it physically and emotionally.
If you are feeling completely burned out, honestly, cutting off the connection entirely is often the best and healthiest choice. But you have to prepare yourself for the two stages of how you’ll feel:
At first (The Hard Part): You are going to feel a massive wave of guilt. You'll feel uncomfortable, anxious, and you might even second-guess yourself, wondering if you're being the "horrible person" they want you to think you are. That is just the old habit trying to pull you back in.
Later on (The Good Part): Once the fog clears, a beautiful sense of peace and relief will set in. You’ll suddenly realize how much lighter you feel, how much energy you've clawed back, and how quiet your mind finally is.
Getting through that initial guilt is what gives you your power back. It completely changes how you make decisions moving forward, especially when you decide you want to start helping people again. You'll start doing it from a place of strength, not obligation.
To protect your peace in the future, the biggest trick is learning how to avoid creating expectations. When we give, we naturally hope people will appreciate it, but with takers, that hope is a trap. We have to learn to give only what we can truly afford to lose, whether that's our time, our emotional energy, or our resources, with zero expectation of a return. That way, when people do inevitably disappoint us or show their true colors, it doesn't crush us because we didn't give them the power to drain our tank in the first place.
Another thing that helps immensely is learning to pause. The next time you feel that instinctual urge to jump in and fix something for someone, give yourself a mandatory 24-hour rule before saying yes. It gives your logic time to catch up with your soft heart.
You gave until you were empty, Debbie, and choosing to protect what’s left of your peace doesn't make you a horrible person; it makes you human.
Sending you the biggest hug, and I hope you have a wonderfully peaceful rest of your weekend!
A great post, there are many who take offense when someone they ask for help say they aren't able to do so, these people usually are only thinking of themselves and these people don't say no for help given.
ReplyDeleteI pray that one day I will summon the courage to put my exact words together and write in detail about my personal experiences. Right now, I write in general terms, but I kept feeling a strong pull to put this post about "silent helpers" out into the world because it is so needed.
DeleteEventually, I hope to openly share the specific dynamics in my friendships, partnerships, and family connections that forced me into that role for years. As you rightly said, so many people only think of themselves. I truly don't understand why selfish mindsets outnumber empathetic ones. I am someone who constantly considers others; I don't believe life should be a selfish, individual pursuit. God gave us this beautiful earth to enjoy together, and the world is vast enough for everyone to live well and thrive. I will never truly understand the mindset of those who only take, but I am so grateful for your comment and your support.
I believe that a lot of gratitude has been lost in our society. Many things are taken for granted without questioning how the person helping us is doing.
ReplyDeleteIf I feel today that someone is deliberately taking advantage of me, I try to keep my distance from them. I once read that kind-hearted people are sometimes seen as naive by others. But that's better than being someone who doesn't want to help others.
One of the most recurring themes in this comment section is the importance of keeping your distance, which ultimately means setting boundaries. An important point I missed in the post—which I really wish I had included—is that you must be prepared for the negative reaction from chronic takers.
DeleteWhen you begin to set boundaries, they will come armed with their words, ready to tear you down. They will be angry and throw tantrums because you're disrupting a system where they got to use you for years.
If you are setting boundaries after being a silent helper for so long, you have to ensure you are fully equipped to stand firm and never look back. The moment you show weakness or look back, they will strategize a new way to exploit you. They don't care about your well-being, and they don't give a damn about your life; their only goal is to take without ever giving back. Since I left this out of the current post, I think I will write a follow-up article specifically focused on the realities of distancing yourself, setting boundaries, and the backlash to expect when you do. Thank you for the comment.
Such a powerful and honest piece, Melody. I recognise so much of what you describe the helping, the giving, and the way some people only notice you when they need something. I know exactly where you’re coming from, but it doesn’t bother me anymore the way it once did. For me setting boundaries helped, but people may have to get used to not being able to rely on you and sometimes they do leave. Your reflections will speak to so many people who have lived this too.
ReplyDeleteYou know, there was a time I opened up to one of these chronic takers about a massive problem I was facing. I told them I was incredibly stressed and going through a lot, and their response was freezing cold. They couldn't even offer a basic, "I'm so sorry to hear that." It was like talking to a stone wall.
DeleteIt felt like they were just waiting for me to finish speaking my "trash" so they could get back to what they wanted from me. It was like talking to thin air. Their attitude was essentially, hurry up and finish so you can do what I need you to do, as if I owed them. That was a huge wake-up call. I realized I had made the mistake of being so available to them that I became completely invisible.
How well you have analyzed this subject. Your points are very clear and well expressed. I'm sorry you've been taken for granted by those who you have helped in many different ways.
ReplyDeleteI think the best thing to do is create good boundaries and not to let anyone cross them. That way you never feel taken for granted or worse, used.
Hi Marigold, thank you so much for your comment! I created boundaries because I was being taken for granted, just like you stated. But even though I created those boundaries respectfully, it didn't sit well with them. Even though we haven't been in contact for some time due to the boundaries I started setting three years ago, my name is somehow still in their mouths, in their minds, and in their rooms. I'm still being talked down to and marked down—all because I decided to put myself first, create boundaries, and refuse to keep giving to people who don't appreciate it. It’s such a difficult situation, but the best approach for me has been cutting them off entirely, and I don't regret it at all.
DeleteSiempre es bueno ayudar, pero cuando sientes que solo te buscan cuando te necesitan se siente mal, porque no te ven más que como una herramienta que luego se desecha. Te mando un beso.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of strength to step back from that cycle, but comments like yours remind me that we aren't alone in these experiences. This blog has become such a healing space and a mental detox for me, and I’m so grateful to have people like you here to share these honest perspectives with. Thank you for the sweetness and the support. Sending you a huge hug and a kiss right back! Have a lovely saturday.
DeleteThis is very thought provoking and insightful. Sometimes the kindest people are taken advantage of, not by intent, but it happens.
ReplyDeleteIt happens because some people who receive help are often ungrateful, entitled, and simply do not want to say thank you. Life can be as good as we make it or choose for it to be, depending entirely on the situation we find ourselves in.
DeleteQuerida Melody, eres bella por fuera y por dentro gracias por tu hermoso comentario que dejaste en mi blog.
ReplyDeleteCoincido contigo en todo, lo mas bello que me pasa es que cuando me voy a dormir lo hago con una sonrisa, nunca espere aplausos y gracias, eso si no sale del corazón no sirve.
Estuve todo el secundario en un colegio de monjas y me enseñaron valores a hacer agradecida, y lo soy.
Tu eres un ángel, sigue así el tiempo pone todo en su lugar.
Todos los gracias que nunca me dijeron los digo yo.
Hoy la canción que me da fuerzas es...Espero te guste.
Resistiré
Cuando pierda todas las partidas
Cuando duerma con la soledad
Cuando se me cierren las salidas
Y la noche no me deje en paz
Cuando sienta miedo del silencio
Cuando cueste mantenerse en pie
Cuando se rebelen los recuerdos
Y me pongan contra la pared
Resistiré
Erguido frente a todo
Me volveré de hierro para endurecer la piel
Y aunque los vientos de la vida soplen fuerte
Soy como el junco que se dobla
Pero siempre sigue en pie
Resistiré
Para seguir viviendo
Soportaré los golpes y jamás me rendiré
Y aunque los sueños se me rompan en pedazos
Resistiré, resistiré
Cuando el mundo pierda toda magia
Cuando mi enemigo sea yo
Cuando me apuñale la nostalgia
Y no reconozca ni mi voz
Cuando me amenace la locura
Cuando en mi moneda salga cruz
Cuando el diablo pase la factura
O si alguna vez me faltas tú
Resistiré
Erguido frente a todo
Me volveré de hierro para endurecer la piel
Y aunque los vientos de la vida soplen fuerte
Soy como el junco que se dobla
Pero siempre sigue en pie
Resistiré
Para seguir viviendo
Soportaré los golpes y jamás me rendiré
Y aunque los sueños se me rompan en pedazos
Resistiré, resistiré
Te deseo de todo corazón un precioso y feliz día, bendiciones
Besitos y te dejo todo mi cariño
Thank you so much for your beautiful words and for reminding me that time truly puts everything in its place. Going to sleep with a smile and not needing applause is such a peaceful way to live, and your convent school taught you a truly beautiful lesson about gratitude.
DeleteI want to say a massive thank you for the song you wrote to me in your comment. Oh, my heart is so gladdened by it. It has been such a long time since anyone sent me a song or wrote out lyrics for me. I felt so emotional and loved just by reading your comment, and I bless God for you. Yesterday, when I was praying, I asked the Holy Spirit to comfort me, and He truly did through you. Those lyrics, about being like a reed that bends but always remains standing, hit so deep.
This blog has brought me more encouragement than I ever thought or imagined I would get from it. When I started, it was all about fashion, but today, with thousands of daily views and comments like yours, I can boldly say I made a good decision to keep blogging, and I love it. It has been a mental detox for me, a place to share and a place to hear other views, whether they are good or bad.
Thank you for being a part of this community and for bringing so much light to my day. I wholeheartedly wish you a beautiful and happy day as well.
Have a lovely Saturday.
They are plain ole selfish.
ReplyDeleteYou put it perfectly, at the end of the day, that is exactly what it boils down to. When people use these tactics to manipulate and drain the people around them, it really is just plain old selfishness. No matter how much you try to understand the psychology behind it, dealing with that behavior is incredibly frustrating! Thank you for cutting straight to the truth. Hope you're having a wonderful weekend!
DeleteIt good for one to help others. It improves are mental health.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. That is not really the focus of the post. The point is not whether people should help others or not, but rather what happens when someone is consistently taken for granted because of the help they give over time.
DeleteDear Melody, thank you for such a well written and thoughtful post. Gratitude is becoming something that people no longer dwell on and it saddens me. I do try to focus on it, and thank those who have given to me. You are one of those people...the comment you left for me today was priceless and I do thank you for the encouragement it brought to me. Boundaries are good...sometimes people who use boundaries for their own peace of mind are considered selfish, but in reality, we all need boundaries. Praying for you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, you are welcome. Thank you for your beautiful words. I genuinely feel them.
DeleteIt is not often that someone takes the time to truly see both the effort and the heart behind what is written, and your message did exactly that. Gratitude, when it is real, has a quiet power, and yours came through so sincerely. I also appreciate what you said about boundaries. It can be painful when they are misunderstood, especially when they come from a place of needing peace rather than distance from care. Still, they are sometimes the only way to protect what is left of our own strength. Your encouragement today means more than I can easily put into words.
❤️❤️
DeleteThere are givers and there are takers in this word. The takers will always take advantage of the givers. Don't stop giving when you can or want the trick is to weed out the takers. And focus on the givers who need some help.
ReplyDeleteCathy
There is truth in what you’ve said. Not everyone approaches relationships with the same intent, and experience teaches us to notice where our efforts are valued and where they are simply consumed. The key is discernment, knowing where generosity builds something mutual and where it quietly drains strength. When giving is placed with care, it can still do a great deal of good, especially when it reaches those who genuinely appreciate it and give in return in their own way.
DeletePenso que, se uma pessoa abusa da boa vontade do próximo e não pratica a reciprocidade, devemos ajudar, no máximo, duas vezes e tchau.
ReplyDeleteEscrever ajuda a aliviar o coração.
Obrigado pela reflexão e desabafo.
There is wisdom in what you’ve said. Goodwill should not be endless when it is met with disregard, and boundaries are sometimes the only way to preserve both respect and peace of mind. Writing does have a way of clearing the heart and bringing order to what feels heavy inside. Thank you for taking the time to share your perspective.
DeleteWonderful analysis 👍
ReplyDeleteThe grateful person has treasure!
ReplyDeleteThe grateful person has treasure!
ReplyDeleteThat is right.
DeleteYou have put a lot of thought and effort into this post, Melody.
ReplyDeletePeople come and go in our lives, they came for a reason. Of course, people use people and the kindness they offer, then go or stay and expect more - human nature. I've always been aware of being used, so I've been careful, only caught once or twice.
It's those people who are always there, those that stay and say thank you genuinely meaning it that are precious and giving back to them in a small way is also precious.
Hey Margaret, happy Saturday! Thank you so much for reading. Honestly, yes, I put a lot of thought and effort into writing this post. It’s been on my mind for a long time, so I really had to settle down and write it in a way that people could understand, relate to, and see if they fall into that category of being a "silent helper."
DeleteHuman nature makes us want to expect more, but as humans, we cannot be focused only on getting without trying to give or improve ourselves. Personally, I have been used several times in the past, but I finally decided that had to stop. Within the last three years, life has been so much better because I’m now able to take control of my own situation, put my mental well-being first, and give to others intentionally. Now, I don't just give to anyone—I give to the right people, and that has been a much better choice for me.
People tend to forget those who are always there for them. In short, the more you are just "there," the more you disappear. You are physically present, but you’ve disappeared from the scenario—from the scene, I mean to say.
If people in your life have put you in the category of a silent helper, you have to pick yourself up and say, "This is not a position I should be in." I truly believe that nobody should be forced into that role, because nobody is born a silent helper—other people just make them that way.
Lo has analizado muy bien y lo has explicado perfectamente.
ReplyDeleteMe gusta mucho cómo lo has expuesto.
Yo te llevo muchos años de ventaja en el mundo y he llegado a las mismas conclusiones que tan bien has detallado pero de forma más intuitiva y emocional.
Al final he optado por aislarme.
No soy mejor ni peor que nadie.
No me considero por encima de nadie.
Pero ya no quiero más decepciones con la gente.
En mi aislamiento social no sufro.
Saludos.
Thank you so much for your comment. It's true that we might want to isolate ourselves in these situations, but we can't completely shut the world out. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, but I believe that helping others is simply part of being human. Trying to completely avoid disappointment is a way of shielding yourself from living fully. I completely understand where you're coming from!
DeleteA very thoughtful and thought-provoking post, Melody. It is too easy to be taken for granted and to become the recipient of everyone's worries, a kind of mental doormat, or sponge. Everyone has their limitations, though, and needs time and space to replenish strength and emotional elasticity.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, I would say balance matters, but I will be completely sincere with you: it’s not possible to find a balance in every situation. When dealing with chronic takers, there is no balance—they will just choke you. For me, the only real balance was cutting them off entirely.
DeleteIt might be different for someone else who prefers to just set limits, but I tried balancing it and it didn't work. The only thing that actually worked for me was cutting myself off from the situation completely. In the process of trying to help, I was blackmailed, lied to, gaslighted, and called names. You can't balance a situation like that. You just have to move on and let them be where they want to be. You're not God, and you can't help everyone. That's just how life is, and that's how I see it right now.
Hai centrato un punto dolente con il tuo blog perché io sono esattamente come te.
ReplyDeleteHo sempre aiutato tutti e in cambio ho ricevuto sempre poco.
E poi quella nota dolente, quello che non aiuta mai nessuno, viene sempre ringraziato quando per una volta fa il minimo.
E sai perché succede?
Perché da lui non ci si aspetta mai niente e quindi quando fa qualcosa gli si stende quasi un "tappeto rosso" sotto i piedi.
Invece da chi aiuta sempre è normale ricevere e ti dirò di più la volta che dici NI, ti colpevolizzano pure.
Stefania, you have totally just outlined the story of my life when it comes to my family. Completely. The person who doesn't do anything, or who only helps with a massive grudge and so much complaining, gets the red carpet rolled out for them.
DeleteThat particular comment you made actually made me laugh, but it was a laugh that came from a place of deep pain because it hits so close to home. Meanwhile, for someone like me who keeps on giving, my name is carried from one house to another, with people talking about why I'm such a bad person or why I haven't lived up to their high expectations. Giving and giving until you have nothing left to rely on... it’s such a shame, such a pity, and such a sad world we live in where people are okay with using someone until they are worn out to the core, only to move on to the next victim.
Givers need to be really careful because they are at risk of being emotionally drained—having all the juice squeezed right out of them—by people who simply do not care.
I’m so glad this blog post resonated with you. Sharing this makes me feel like I finally have a community of people I can talk to. I really hope that someone who is currently on the path to becoming a "silent helper" reads this post and realizes it’s not going to be worth it in the end. It’s not just about helping; you have mental well-being to take care of. When they start taking the microphone at big gatherings to honor people who have done little to nothing, you might tell yourself at first—just like I did—that it’s okay and that all you care about is helping. But it’s going to hit you hard eventually that you’re just being used and that they don’t appreciate a single thing you do.
I hope that person learns from this post, and I hope you are having a lovely Saturday!
Bom dia, Melody
ReplyDeleteÓtima postagem. Gosto muito de ajudar os outros, porém precisamos estabelecer limites. "É preciso muito mais força para permanecer gentil em um mundo que constantemente incentiva o egoísmo." Jesus disse que "mais bem-aventurado é dar que receber." Atos 20:35b. Você tem um lindo coração. Um forte abraço.
Good morning, afternoon! Thank you so much for this lovely comment. I love that scripture you shared from Acts, it is such a beautiful reminder of why we love to help others in the first place. But you are so right; without boundaries, that joy of giving can turn into exhaustion. Learning to balance the two has been a huge journey for me.
DeleteThank you for your kindness and for being such a sweet part of this blog. Sending you a big hug and wishing you a wonderful, happy weekend!
這很真實又可悲.
ReplyDeleteIt really is, Philip. It’s a tragic reality that so many givers go through in silence, which is exactly why I felt it was so important to finally put it into words and share it here. Thank you so much for reading and for recognizing that truth. Hope you have a great weekend!
DeleteОчень хороший и правильный пост. Поддерживаю.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! I'm really glad you read it and that you agree with the breakdown. e.
DeleteI hope you're having a fantastic weekend!
Creo que todo esto que nos has relatado es algo que me ha ocurrido con compañeros de trabajo, que si le hacías un favor porque se lo podías hacer el día que por lo que fuera no podías hacérselo no les gustaba.
ReplyDeleteAsí que como nos dices es mejor poner un limite a la ayuda que realizamos a los demás.
Felicitarte por el grandísimo articulo.
Saludos.
Thank you so much, Thomas, for taking the time to read this blog post. Being a "silent helper" can happen in any setting in life, even at the workplace. I'm so glad you were able to create boundaries. You should not feel obligated to keep pouring into your coworkers when they do nothing for you or when they aren't willing to extend the same favor to you. You absolutely did the right thing. The best approach is to set limits on who we give our help to, so I totally, strongly agree!
DeleteHello Melody....I think it's commendable that you are a helper and also commendable that you set boundaries. I could identify 1000 percent. No one likes to be taken advantage of. Your whole post was extremely interesting and valuable. I also appreciate your stopping by my blog and commenting, too. That means a lot to me and I really am THANKFUL! Have a great weekend, Melody. Susan
ReplyDeleteHi Susan! How are you doing today? it’s Saturday! Do you have any plans for the weekend?
DeleteI strongly agree with you, too. It is commendable to be a helper, but you also have to set boundaries. No one likes it when others take advantage of them, and I completely understand that. Unfortunately, people will try to take advantage of another or they already have. That’s just the reality of the world we're living in. We have to learn to protect our well-being and our mental space and be mindful of the kind of help we offer to others.
I really enjoy discovering new blogs and keeping up with the ones I already read weekly or daily, so I’m so glad you visited mine! I will definitely be a regular visitor to your blog. I just love finding new people and reading new blogs because you learn so much from them. People really don't know how much information you can get just from reading blogs. Thank you so much!
hi melody, you certainly look like a good hearted person. and you also sound like one, because i heard your voice at some of your reels.
ReplyDeletei know how you feel. some people whom i had helped and i believed they were my friends, just disappeared. what we call 'ghosting' nowadays.
when my mother passed away at the end of september, any kind word was more than enough for me. but this obviously doesn't apply to those who were absent those days.
hugs!
Hi Chema, Thank you so much. what you commented really hits home, and I'm so sorry that you had to go through that phase of life. I hope you get better every day and grow stronger. I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your mom; it's a very hard situation to be in. I pray that your heart heals. Amen.
DeleteI have been in a situation where I wished I had people or someone who would just say, "I see you; I know you are there; I see what you're going through." Sometimes, those words can be very helpful, but sadly, I did not get that. Please take care and be kind to yourself.
Ms. Melody, What a timely post!!! This is an issue that has been on my mind for years, and clearly a lot of your readers can say the same! My thing is how parents are not teaching their children to express gratitude to grandparents for gifts they've been given. I certainly taught my children to write thank you notes and/or to verbally express their appreciation.
ReplyDeleteShowing gratitude has become such a bothersome issue with me that I finally realized I needed to change my expectations and discipline myself to not dwell on it.
But then just a few days ago my attention was directed to something our Lord Jesus said in Luke 17:17 when he healed the ten lepers but only one of them came back to thank Him. "Jesus asked, 'Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine?'"
Jesus expected gratitude, so when we feel that way, it is not a sinful expectation.
But then, as He did, we have to let it go. People will do what they want to do. While we can instruct our children to be grateful and express it appropriately, adults are free to do as they choose and we have to just let it go.
Barbara, you have given me a different perspective that I never thought about. I mean, yes—Jesus expected gratitude, and there is totally nothing sinful in that! Wow, what a way to learn. This blog is giving me more and more opportunity to learn, and I am so thankful for this.
DeleteYou honestly hit the nail on the head. It hurts when you pour love into a gift for your family or friends, only to be met with total silence. I completely agree with you that teaching kids to write a simple thank-you note or just say the words is so important. It teaches them not to take things for granted.
But your final point about letting it go is pure wisdom. We really can't control what other adults choose to do, and dwelling on it just steals our own joy. Learning to protect our own peace of mind is the best thing we can do for ourselves. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful reminder, Barbara. I hope you're having a lovely, peaceful weekend!
Bless you, everyone can see what a kind, supportive person you are from your blog. Good for you for setting boundaries! Sad to say, people will take advantage of the most kind hearted. Be happy you are maintaining a fine balance which benefits yourself and others.
ReplyDeleteI’m working hard on maintaining that balance every day, and I'm glad it shows! Thank you for the encouragement and for being such a supportive part of this blog. I hope you're having a wonderful, relaxing weekend!
DeleteSweet Melody, what a profound reflection. We often become so accustomed to the presence of generous people that we forget to thank them for all they do behind the scenes. Gratitude costs nothing, yet it can mean so much to those who are always there. Thank you for putting words to a reality many of us have experienced.
ReplyDeleteHave a great sunday.
Gratitude is an absolute must in my life. I will never allow myself to be an ungrateful person, no matter the circumstances. I have learned that being grateful is always the right thing to do, whereas being ungrateful requires a significant amount of negative energy that I would rather avoid. Thank you so much, Hada.
DeleteMelody, you really put a lot of thought into this post and have touched a subject that I'm sure we have all experienced at one time or another. I have felt unappreciated and unnoticed many times and it is hurtful. I sometimes wonder if it is because I do things selflessly because it is my nature and I like to help but because I don't make a big deal out of what I'm doing, somehow they don't either. YOu've made some very good points.
ReplyDeleteHi Judee, the reason for this is because they don't just want to appreciate you. Secondly, you are selfless, and people tend to take advantage of those with good hearts who are willing to be there no matter what. This is the reason, and it truly hurts that people can behave in this manner and feel so comfortable without any remorse. For some, the more you do for them, the less seriously they will take you. Thank you for your comment.
DeleteA wonderful post dear Melody. And so true. Lacking appreciation that you don't demand is disappointing. I think I never was a silent helper.
ReplyDeleteAll the best and have a good time
Violetta
Thank you, Violetta. I completely understand what you mean. Appreciation is not something we should demand, but when it is completely absent, it can certainly be disappointing.
DeleteThank you, Violetta. I completely understand what you mean. Appreciation is not something we should demand, but when it is completely absent, it can certainly be disappointing.
DeleteParabéns pelo texto, porque é excelente e certeiro.
ReplyDeleteCompreendo muito bem o tema , porque tenho experiência própria de como as pessoas podem ser ingratas com quem as ajudou sempre.
Forte abraço e serena semana.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. It’s true, personal experience often shapes how deeply we understand these dynamics. It can be painful when help isn’t valued, but it also teaches important lessons about boundaries, expectations, and where to place our energy.
DeleteWow, what a great post. Wishing you a beautiful day.
ReplyDeleteThank you; wishing you a great week.
DeleteGive them a finger and they'll take the whole hand- sad but its true.
ReplyDeleteIsn't that the truth? Sometimes you give a finger, and before you know it, they're reaching for the whole hand. It's one of the reasons I've learned that kindness is important, but so are boundaries. Both can exist at the same time.
DeleteI was going to tell you a few things, but I realized you already know the truth. And I believe you feel a little used, but you have to understand that when you said "No," you freed yourself. Because those who care about you will understand. Those who don't respect you will distance themselves. You'll end up finding a kind of natural selection in the realm of affection.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Thank you for this. I think there is a lot of truth in what you've said. Sometimes saying "no" feels like losing people, but in reality, it helps us see who was there for us and who was only there for what we could provide. I love the phrase "natural selection in the realm of affection." That gave me something to think about. Thank you for sharing your insight
DeleteMuito bom e esclarecedor este seu texto. Conheço as situações de um lado e de outro.
ReplyDeleteMuito grata pela reflexão.
Beijos e boa semana!
Thank you. I think that's what makes these conversations so interesting; many of us have experienced both sides at different points in our lives. It can be humbling and eye-opening. Thank you for reading and sharing your perspective.
DeleteHave you noticed that as long as you are the one helping everyone, they thank you, but if you need help with something, magically everyone is busy? So you start putting yourself first and start saying no, explaining why you can't at that moment, and generally here a natural selection begins!!!
ReplyDeleteP.S.: Best wishes for your birthday!!!
Oh my goodness, you are speaking absolute facts! It is so wild how fast people's schedules magically fill up the second the shoes are on the other foot. But you are so right, learning to say "no" and protecting your own peace is the ultimate filter. It's like a superpower that instantly weeds out the takers. Thank you so much for the birthday wishes and for dropping some serious truth. I pray that God blesses you with a tight-knit circle of genuine, reciprocal people who pour into you just as much as you pour into them. Keep putting yourself first.
DeleteYou wrote this beautifully. I agree totally with you. Thank you for sharing with FFO and have a nice weekend.
ReplyDeleteYou make a good point. Sometimes things change because people are disappointed or they want something from you, and when they don't get it, they don't want to bother with you. It's so hard to know why people do what they do and what they are thinking. It happens all through life with various things too. That's how you know who true friends are. Thanks for sharing and have a good weekend.
ReplyDeleteYou hit on a painful but deeply true reality of life. It is incredibly exhausting when people only value you for what they can get from you, rather than who you actually are. The moment you set a boundary or stop serving their agenda, they vanish.
DeleteBut like you said, that harsh filtering process is exactly how the noise gets cleared out. It’s painful in the moment, but it’s the only way the real, true friends the ones who love you for you, no strings attached become visible.
Thank you for bringing such a grounded, wise perspective to this. I hope you have a peaceful and wonderful weekend!
Your message was quite powerful and moving. I was impressed with your words and emotions you shared, And YES, the good you do matters! Happy FFO.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! It means the world to me that my words and emotions connected with you on that level. Thank you for the incredible encouragement and for being such a supportive part of this community. Have a fantastic weekend! P.S I am struggling with google right now. I can't seem to follow more blogs, but I'm going to fix that.
DeleteNice post (maybe a bit long) with a lot to get us thinking. We are all a bit different and yet the same in many ways. Diversity is good thing. Life would be very boring if we were all the same all the time. I've been recognized for helping and being a good guy. It's nice to get that feedback. All the best.
ReplyDeleteLove the honest feedback, Bill. I do tend to get a bit chatty when I'm passionate about a topic, so I appreciate you sticking with it! 😂 You are absolutely right. Diversity is exactly what keeps life interesting; a world full of clones would be incredibly dull. It is also fantastic to hear that you've been recognized for being a good guy and helping others. In a world that often gets wrapped up in the superficial, that is the exact kind of legacy that actually matters. That feedback is well-deserved! Thanks for reading, thinking along with me, and leaving such a grounded comment. All the best to you too!
DeleteThis is so very thoughtful, Melody, and I sense it comes from a deep spot on your heart. Gratitude and appreciation matters, even if it is a simple thank you -- and certainly the remembering of thoughts past. It can be very hard to say no -- I know that from experience. Amazing that such a tiny, simple word can be so challenging to actually say. But there is relief that comes with that, too.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Jeanie. You caught me; this one definitely came straight from the heart. It really is wild how much weight that tiny, two-letter word holds. "No" feels so heavy when you're saying it, but the moment it's out, the relief is instant. It’s like clearing off a shelf you didn't realize was weighing you down. You are so right about gratitude. A simple "thank you" or someone remembering a small detail from the past can completely turn a day around. It’s the ultimate reminder of why we bother connecting in the first place. I appreciate you reading so deeply and sharing your own experience with this. Have a beautiful, restful Sunday!
Delete