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Saturday, May 18

It is time to stop over-apologizing and refocus on personal goals

It is time to stop over-apologizing and refocus on personal goals

Let me just drop this here. As many of you know, I love sharing the things I’ve learned while living this beautiful life God gave me. There are times in life when you need to stop apologizing and focus on your yourself and goals.

I once offended someone, and it wasn’t a minor offense. This was a situation that, if we sat down to discuss openly, would be understood differently by different people. Some people I spoke to said that wrong is wrong, but in this situation, I was not the only one at fault. Some people also said I take the majority of the blame due to the way I reacted, but that does not mean the situation did not have a root cause.

I kept apologizing over and over for more than a year, but at a certain point, I realized that this person had become accustomed to my apologies. It was no longer about the situation; the apologies reassured them that I was still in pain. I decided to test something, and now I want to share it with you.

Before I get into that, here are some things I’ve learned: never apologize more than twice. If you are genuinely sorry, don’t keep repeating it. Instead, apologize sincerely, and then take steps to correct the issue. Allow the other person to heal and decide whether they want to continue communicating with you. You cannot force people to forgive you, and that’s a part of life I appreciate. I offer a sincere apology, but if it's not accepted, I leave it between them and God. I refuse to be part of a grieving cycle or to stay stuck in that situation. If someone enjoys being sad, I won’t join them in their sadness. I choose happiness, and it’s okay if someone doesn’t want to forgive me, but I won’t put my life on hold waiting for them to move on from that situation. That can never be me again. If I have a goal, my focus will be on that goal.

So, here’s what I did. I invited this person, made some good food, and tried to ensure everything was fine. We had a conversation about the situation, as we had done several times, and discussed how to improve communication. But at the end of the day, the same thing always happened: when it seemed like I was feeling better and happier, this person would start acting sad. They would go sit in another room and expect me to ask what the issue was again. This way, we would rehash the same issue repeatedly, keeping it fresh and unresolved. This person would be happy with everyone except me. Meanwhile, we had mutual friends who had offended them deeply, yet they communicated with those friends. My situation was different; it graduated from just an offense to a hunt for my happiness.

I noticed that the only time they wanted to stay on the phone with me was when we were discussing that issue. If I tried to bring up anything else, they quickly lost interest and wanted to end the call. They thrived on this issue, trying to make me feel bad. I snapped out of it, which didn’t sit well with them. In our last conversation, they kept repeating the same issue, and I got tired of it. I zoned out of the chat and ignored them.

The lesson I want to share today is that no one is perfect, and no one should play God in your life. Some people will use an offense to control and manipulate you, revealing bad behaviors they couldn’t otherwise act out.

It’s time to stop saying sorry and start focusing on yourself and your goals. If they want to stay stuck in the past, let them stay there alone. Life is fragile; don’t let anyone make you stagnant in a situation that can be turned around for good. Be your own source of strength, pray and keep moving forward.
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17 comments

  1. Yes! It's like : how long do I have to apologize it it doesn't change anything?

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  2. I don't see the point in sayings sorry more then twice, you apologise and if forgiven you move on if not forgiven you move on, stewing on it and saying sorry over and over will not change a damn thing so why do it.

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  3. Uno debe disculpase con el corazón y esperar a ser escuchado. Te mando un beso.

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  4. Good for you, girl! Thanks for sharing your experience with us, Melody.
    By the way, have I ever told you that you have a beautiful smile? :)

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  5. Leyéndote, solo puedo decir que esa persona es tóxica, es decir, solo se siente bien, viéndote sufrir por esa discusión, una vez que le pediste perdón debió bastar, si no es asi no merece la pena su amistad.
    Un beso, perdonar es de ser buena gente, pero pedir perdón es de ser nobles.

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  6. Ciao, grazie per essere passata da me.

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  7. Very interesting post :)
    Have a nice weekend :)

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  8. Boa tarde de domingo e um bom início de semana. Obrigado por dividir sua experiência e aprendendo muito com você. Obrigado pela visita e comentário.

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  9. Eu penso assim se eu magoei alguém eu peço desculpas, mas se a pessoa não aceitar não vou insistir, a minha parte fiz, seu post é uma reflexão bjs.

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  10. Wise words, Melody, and definitely something to think about. I confess I'm one of those persons who apologizes over and over again, but I guess I'll need to rethink this! xxx

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  11. Great and very clever post!

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  12. Olá, Melody!
    Nem sempre as nossas desculpas são aceites quando fazemos algo de errado ou incorreto. Mas quando assim é, não vale a pena insistirmos.
    Excelente texto para reflexão.

    Deixo os meus Votos de uma feliz semana, com tudo de bom.
    Beijinhos, com carinho e amizade.

    Mário Margaride

    http://poesiaaquiesta.blogspot.com
    https://soltaastuaspalavras.blogspot.com

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  13. Obrigada por esta reflexão. Está muito bonita.
    Uma boa semana.
    Um beijo.

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  14. I had friends that stayed on my side until I was the only to pay for coffee, when I started to pay for myself only saying to all friends that I waastrying (and I'm still) saving....well those friends disappeared, but the truth is that disappeared also the negativity from then, so you tried to find a compromise, isn't been possibe, now if you meet them say Hallo but keeep a security distance for you mental healt!!!

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  15. I agree with you. Constantly apologizing about something can actually make the matters worse because it reminds that person about the issue and this can be annoying and frustrating for both parties included. In this case, it seems like this person wants to dwell on whatever happened- and really what is the point of it at this point? Maybe they just want to feel sad for it. Well, you cannot always be sad with them about it. It's normal you want to move on. They should want that as well.

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  16. Wow. This is such a great post. When you said, "I kept apologizing over and over for more than a year, but at a certain point, I realized that this person had become accustomed to my apologies," it made me sit up a little straighter. I have had relationships like that with people in the past. They get so used to you always being the one to apologize (even when it isn't warranted) that you end up doing all of the heavy lifting to fix things. It sounds like this person wanted you to constantly apologize, lift them up, make them feel better, and do all of the emotional labor that they were unwilling to do. That is really unfair of them. I think they liked having a feeling of "power" over you/the situation. It speaks to your strength that you were able to recognize this and stop giving into their unreasonable wants. I hope you are doing well and that you feel more ease about this situation now. That person wanted to stay in the past and be a victim, whereas you wanted to move forward and focus on solutions. I really admire you. <3

    the creation of beauty is art.

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